A Writer and her Muse
by lessirops
Summary: [Post s6 finale] Following Castle's death, Beckett tries to deal with his loss. But when he comes back five years later, holding HER book in his hands, Kate retreats in her guilt and tries to adapt to this new situation with Martha, Alexis and the twins she had after his "death".
1. Her

**CHAPTER 1: HER**

It has been five years since she last saw him. It was supposed to be their perfect day, filled with joy, laughters and love. Instead, it had been pain, screams and tears.

* * *

She didn't want to believe it at first. When Chief Brady called her, she thought it was a mistake. Her whole body and mind shut down. She was thinking thousand thoughts and yet only one: he was coming to her.

She had found her way to the car, which was supposed to take them after the wedding.

"It must be a mistake," she told herself but the driver's look on her said the opposite. She ignored it, "It is a mistake." When the car approached its destination, she could see the smoke of a fire disappearing in the sky by the car's window. She ran out as fast as possible.

Her limbs had never felt so heavy, not even in those nightmares that would wake her up at night, the ones where the people who killed her mother was running towards her (those people had lately started to wear Senator Bracken's face), the ones where she was stabbed by those same people (always wearing Bracken's face). Those nightmares where he had been there, standing right next to her.

"Need a hand?" he would ask her, extending his right hand and wearing his most beautiful smile.

When those nightmares had started after her mother's death, he wasn't there. She would wake up at night, sweaty and breathless, just after falling in a dark alley and being stabbed. Those nightmares would repeat themselves every night. He started to appear once she had read his books.

The first time, confusion hit her. He didn't speak nor offered his hand. But she had stood up after falling for the very first time.

It was a silhouette, but there was something about it. She couldn't make out a face but she knew it was him, or at least what his books meant to her. She reached for the silhouette and when her fingertips were about to touch the presence, she would wake up. She had been stabbed, again. Every night she would try to reach for the silhouette, make contact. Every night she would fail.

But it all changed when she met him (the second time). He was standing in the middle of the familiar alley, wearing the same clothes from their meeting (the first time). He watched her fall, observed like a scientist would his subject. It had pissed her off until she met his eyes. They were filled with curiosity. Like hers. Why her? Why him?

He didn't offer his hand back then and she would have never taken it anyway.

Today she would gladly tangle her fingers with his right now. But his silhouette was nowhere to be seen.

Picking up her wedding dress, she ran towards the origin of the smoke. When she laid her eyes on the burning car she knew. It was happening.

Tears covered her eyes as she fought to look up at the smoke. She collapsed on the hard floor, her wedding dress long forgotten. She tried to look up, tried to stand up again, grab his hand and stand up. There was no hand, no him. Only her. She closed her eyes and screamed until her lungs and throat couldn't keep up with her mind.

She had been stabbed.

She wasn't waking up.

* * *

The last time they were at their swing set, Bracken had set her up for murder. The time before that, he had proposed to her. It all felt like a decade ago, it was only half of it.

She heard the laughter of kids in the playground; some were running after others, some sat on the floor, making sand castles. She could see Martha and Alexis in the distance. They had been a huge help for the past five years. One had lost a son, the other a father. She could only imagine the pain the first had went through, she had experienced the loss of a parent like the second.

Martha had dealt with his death in a _castlesque_ way. Cheering her and Alexis up whenever one of them would break down, by talking about him, remembering some of his most ridiculous adventures, repeating his best jokes, watching one of his favorite movies, or by not doing anything at all and just being there. She had been the strongest of all three.

Alexis had done the same for Martha and her after a while, when the anger was mostly gone. His daughter had been angry and Kate had been in the receiving end of that anger. But Kate knew too well that it wasn't her she was mad at, it was herself. She had been through this and had helped the girl the best she could. It wasn't her fault, but the one who forced the car out of the road and ran away. At the beginning it was hard, but then it got better, with time.

That time started when she learned about her pregnancy.

* * *

Twins, the doctor had said, wearing a smile on her face. Kate was smiling and crying. She couldn't tell which tears were of joy and which of sadness. She had promised not to let him do this alone; she never thought about making him promise as well. That day, it wasn't him sitting next to her, smiling and kissing her. She had lost her fiancé, her lover (she had called him this way _that_ day), her friend, her partner. He wasn't there, he couldn't be there.

But her father was, holding her injured hand too tight (she had smashed a mirror only two days ago), his tears fell when he turned his eyes away from the screen and face her. His eyes were full of joy and the sun coming out of the window made the tears falling shine.

"It's okay." she repeated several time as she removed the tears from her father's cheek. She felt a hand on her knee and turned her head, she had almost forgotten about Martha and Alexis. Her (unofficial) stepmother was filled with joy and excitement. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen the woman with such a bright smile.

Alexis' eyes were focused on the screen, and she could tell the girl also had had the same thoughts as her. _He should be here_. The young woman turned to her and offered her hand, Kate held on to it tightly with her free hand as Alexis smiled at her. It wasn't as big as Martha's smile (which seemed to grow wider each second that passed) but it was there.

"We're gonna be okay," she whispered to herself. "We're gonna be okay." she said to her family.

* * *

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the ginger woman sit next to her (on _his_ swing).

"I'm sorry, you were saying?" Kate asked, realizing the woman had spoken.

"It's the swing set? Yours and dad's?" she wondered. Her hands were holding each cord as she was swinging slightly.

"It is," Kate answered. "How do you know?" she asked after a moment. To her knowledge, Castle had never talked about their swing set to anyone. Alexis pointed to the book Kate was holding. She had forgotten she had it in her hands. But she remembered the young woman telling her she wouldn't read the book either.

"Martha told me some of the best bits. And that the writer was good." she added.

"Well, I've learned from the best." Kate joked. She thanked Alexis as she left with a smile and a gentle touch on her shoulder. The sound of children running around and laughing was still loud. Alexis was walking towards the origin of the sound, to Martha specifically, to her kids, one of the few who traded running for castle sands. Hers. _Theirs_.

Martha nodded at her when their eyes met. The woman always understood her, like her son. Kate looked down at the book she was holding.

* * *

The nightmares came back after his death. They were essentially the same except for the way she died: stabbed, frozen to death, shot at, falling of a rooftop, drowned or burned alive. The stabbing was the most recurring and painful one.

He was there but had come back to his silhouette form. Just like before, even if she couldn't see his face, she trusted him. She reached for him. And just like before, he disappeared before their fingers could touch. Every night.

The silhouette stayed for weeks, never revealing itself to her. Those weeks were the darkest. Until one night, she had woken up breathless and sweaty one more time. One too many.

She had been frustrated and angry and had started hitting on things. Whatever she could find, whatever could assure her that one of her senses hadn't left her. But she didn't feel a thing. Everything she touched, she didn't feel. Martha had appeared by the door frame of her bedroom, worry in her eyes. She walked towards Kate in silence, took her hands and led her towards the bathroom. She didn't understand why until she looked down to their joined hands; she was bleeding. Martha removed carefully the few pieces of glass stuck. The mirror, Kate thought, this must come from the mirror. The two women didn't talk, each other paying attention to the other's hands. Once Kate's were clean and bandaged, Martha stood up and started to walk towards the door.

"I don't know what to do." Kate thought. The older woman who had reached the bathroom's doorframe stopped and turned to her.

"Do what, darling?" Kate had spoken out loud.

"He used to give me a hand. But now, he can't, he's not here anymore. I can't reach to him for help. I can't stand anymore." She could see that Martha was slightly confused by her words, but the woman walked back to her and crouched so her eyes would be at the same level as Kate setting on the edge of the bathtub. She took Kate's hands again.

"When did he give you his hand Katherine," As easily as Kate had been able to read Martha's confusion a minute ago, Martha saw hers. "The first time he helped you stand, how did he do it?"

This time Kate wasn't confused. She knew when. She knew how. She knew why. If the silhouette had taken his form the day of his book signing, it wasn't until later that he had offered his hand.

The first time was when he told her he had news about her mother's murder when she had asked him specifically not to investigate. That night, the nightmare had come, she had fell, she had stood up next to him, looked at his eyes and expected the knife to go through her at any second, as soon as their eyes would make full contact. The knife didn't come. Instead his hand extended towards her, shaking slightly, but determined. He didn't say anything. He looked at her. She looked at his hand, and stared back to his eyes.

She didn't take his hand that time. Then she had been stabbed.

Since that day, her nights had a new taste. They were filled with something new, something she never asked for and found herself craving. Something she was scared of: hope. After each night it felt less like nightmares and more like bad dreams. Each night, she would always get stabbed, but before that, he was there. As the months and years working with him went by, her dreams evolved. Every night he would reach for her, and she would reach for him. Sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow, which ended up in her death, and her waking up. But they were trying.

He spoke one night. "Need a hand?" he had casually asked her. It was the night after the bombing of the anti-Wall Street rally at the Boylan Plaza. By that time, his hand wasn't shaking anymore (it hadn't for a long time), that night, she could swear her fingers had touched his.

Martha stood up but Kate didn't let go of her hands.

"Thank you." Kate said, squeezing slightly the woman's hands.

"Anytime." And Martha left. Kate felt the loss of the woman's hands.

That night she didn't sleep. She needed the silhouette to take his form. She went to his office and looked for a book but couldn't find it. The office had always been his. It was sad without him, missed his joy, missed his life. Neither her, Alexis or Martha came in here too often. After a few minutes of searching she sat on his chair, frustrated. She knew he had a copy of it somewhere. She was about to leave when she saw it, right there on his desk, next to a framed photograph of him and Alexis at the park taken years ago, when the young woman had been just a girl. She took the book, "Heat Wave" the cover said. She opened it and read.

She didn't sleep that night or the following night. She read instead, read the story of how they fell in love. The third night was after she had learned about her pregnancy. That third night she had slept. That third night, the silhouette had taken his form.

* * *

When Lanie had asked her why she had wrote their story down, Kate had answered that she wanted Alexander and Lona to know their father. She didn't want to leave out any detail, she didn't want to forget.

It was a lie.

It is something that she had needed to do, just like when she had read his books to make him appear in her dreams. She had read all his books over and over again. But he wasn't offering his hand. If they were what triggered the silhouette to leave, what triggered his hand the first time hadn't been the books; it had been their partnership.

She couldn't have it back, as much as she need it to.

The idea came up one night, while talking with Alexis. She never told her about the nightmares but her (unofficial) daughter-in-law knew that some nights Kate would be reading in his office. One night, after putting the kids to bed, Alexis joined her. She was reading the last Nikki Heat book.

"I miss his writing." she had said, not expecting an answer.

"You look so much like him you know," the young woman pointed out. "He used to sit like you, legs crossed on the desk, book or computer on his lap. Whenever I would tell him that it wasn't a really good writing position he would tell me he didn't care as long as he looked cool." The women laughed together and Alexis continued "It didn't look cool though. He complained a lot about his back but still kept doing it."

"He didn't want you to be right. Again." Kate commented with a chuckle.

"I'm always right," the young woman said, "he eventually found that out when the chair broke and I found him on the floor. Since that day, he sat on his chair like a normal human being."

The two women laughed and shared stories. Eventually, exhausted, Alexis had gone up to her room and left Kate in the office.

"You look like him." she had told her. There was a time she would have taken this as an insult. This time was long gone, though. She took the laptop on his desk and opened it after removing some of the dust that was on it. The office gained a little of life lately, but his absence always felt heavier here. She was no writer that she knew. The closest she ever got to it was police reports and Nebula-9 fanfiction. What she was is a cop, a daughter, a mother, a muse. But she wasn't half of those things when she had met him, he had help her improve herself, become something new, a better version of herself. Maybe, in some way, he could help her deal with his loss the way he helped her with her mother's. Maybe writing down how they fell in love would make him give her his hand. After a few weeks it did.

The dreams had become less frequent then, but when they were there, he always extended his hand to her, worked together again to find a way out of the alley. They had found their old rhythm, their fingers brushing, touching after a few weeks. When she arrived towards the end of the book, she had grabbed his hand.

"Need a hand?" He had laughed like he used to as he pulled her out of the alley. She woke up. She didn't die. She felt it again: hope.

He had made her promise not to let him write a memoir. She had never promised she wouldn't write him one herself.

* * *

She ran a finger over the book's cover. It showed a man's silhouette, sitting on the chair by his desk (his legs on the desk, not in a normal human being way) with his hands joined in front his face. She never intended to publish it; she had always loved her privacy and wished on keeping it private. But she thought it was something that could surprise him, and make him proud. So she did it. The book had sold better than intended, she wasn't sure she was happy about it or not. The profit made out of it was given to the scholarship he had created in memory of her mother.

She looked up to see her daughter's eyes on her. When the little girl realized her mother was looking back at her she made grand gestures and asked her mother to join her and her brother. She could see the girl was screaming but she couldn't hear her over the noise of all the other kids laughing.

"I'm coming honey!" Kate screamed for her daughter to hear. When the girl's face grew a wide smile she knew she had been heard. The little girl turned back to the castle sand and destroyed a part of it. The part her brother had made. He didn't seem sad about it, instead he turned to her sister. Kate read her son's lips, he had asked her why.

She stood up, the book still in her hands and traced a finger over the title. She missed calling him that way. She left the book on the swing she had sat on. She looked at it one last time before heading over to her family.

"CASTLE" the title said,

"By Katherine Beckett"

* * *

They came back home without Martha and Alexis, who wanted to finish their afternoon shopping. Her "little lions", as she often called them, had asked to come home earlier than usual and she was happy about it. She loved spending time with them, watch them play, talk to each other. She felt grateful that it had been twins, that it had been _their_ twins. Whenever the two would start to have a vivid discussion she felt like Ryan and Esposito must have felt while watching _them_ theorize. They kept pushing each other's button. Sometimes she would just look at them and one would do or say something she would associate to her or him.

"Mom, I have a question." The boy said, raising his hand high in the air.

"Why are you raising your hand Alex?"

"Yes, why? We're not at school bro. It's Sunday, there's no school on Sundays." her daughter said, taking her brother's arm and putting it down.

"You can't tell me what I can't do, bro!" he told his sibling before turning back to his mother (she will kill Ryan and Esposito for making her kids call each other "bros") "Are we like him? Like daddy?"

She found two pair of eyes staring back at her. They had seen picture and videos of him; she had told them some stories, about how they saved people, how they saved each other too. She had caught the two of them reading his books in the office one day.

They never asked, probably know that it was hard for her to talk about him but they just wanted to know him, and she wanted them to know him as well. As sweet and innocent those moments were, talking about him was one of the moments that hurt the most. One of the moments she also enjoyed the most.

"Yes, you do a lot. Both of you." she answered, not certain about how steady her voice sounded. It was the truth. Alex was the one who looked physically more like him (probably because he was a boy) but Lee (her name was Lona but she preferred being called Lee) had inherited his creative mind. And somehow, her daughter was also the one more down to earth than her brother (that she got from her mother). She never thought this could be possible but when she looked at them, she saw them in one body. They were two different versions of themselves together.

"Mommy, someone knocked."

"I don't think so I didn't he-"A knock cut her. The pair of eyes was looking at her. No, they were giving her the look (her look).

"A minute!" she screamed, hoping whoever it was they wouldn't mind waiting she put the knife she was holding out of the kid's reach.

Lee appeared out of her bedroom, she didn't see her leave, with two pairs of high heels, the ones she couldn't find for a week.

"Operation giraffe!" she screamed before putting down the shoes in front of her and her brother. They put the shoes on, Lona almost fell but her brother caught her arm to keep her steady.

"What are you guys doing?" Kate asked, pointing her index to her shoes.

"The other day, when someone knocked at the door, you didn't let us open the door" her son started.

"You said it's because we weren't tall yet." the girl continued.

"But now we are!"

"Like you!"

She rolled her eyes in amusement. They were looking up at her. She laughed.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Lee, can you put those shoes back please? I've been looking for them for a few days."

The girl took her brother's shoes, and walked back towards the bedroom, not taking her shoes off.

The boy was extending his arm to his mother.

"You're five honey, I'm not carrying you."

"I'm technically closer to four than five. And you just said I'm not tall" the boy answered with a smirk. She was never going to get to that door. The person probably left anyway.

"Next time Alex," She promised the young boy, ruffling his hair and heading to the door. "I'm sorry for taking so much time, kids you know how it is." she said as she opened the door, looking down at her son trying to fix back his hair. She looked up to the stranger at her door only to see he wasn't a stranger at all. She was glad she hadn't carried her son.

Time stopped.

"My friend, have you heard of a shower?" the little boy said, he was holding his mother leg with one hand and pinching his noise with the other. She didn't smell anything. She had lost all her senses. All but one: her sight. She stared at the man's eyes. She remembered it more intense. He looked tired, scared, confused. But he didn't take his eyes off her. Her daughter ran to her other leg and held on to it. She pinched her nose.

"Sir, you smell bad, you should shower." the little girl said.

"I already said that!" the boy told his sister.

"Well I didn't know, I just got here and I don't have superfonic ears."

"It's 'supersonic' and no one has them. They're a superpower."

The twins were being _them_ again.

"Well, I will one day." her daughter said. _(Him)_

"You just can't Lee. How do you even know about it anyway? Did you read my comics?" _(Her)_

"I might have." _(Her)_

"Awesome!" _(Him)_

They thumb shaked each other. Something they had come up with after Ryan and Esposito had showed them their handshake and had explained the importance of a bromance. The two little kids finding the men's handshake too complicated came up with their own. A simple touch of each other's thumb. They called it thumb shake. It was _theirs_ only.

"Mommy… who's this?" the little girl said, looking up to the man.

She wondered how much time had passed since she opened the door; they had been staring at each other for quite some time now. But neither of them seemed to have had enough. And then he moved. He extended a hand to her. He was slow, his arm was shaking like she had never seen before (even more than it that freezer). He handed her something. She broke the eye contact and looked down. It was her book. It was _their_ book.

She took it, making sure she didn't make contact with his fingers. She looked down when a tear escaped her eyes, falling on the cover. The shining tear was followed by another. She looked up to him again; a smile had appeared on his face, the confusion gone from his eyes. Her right arm reached for his cheek, she was shaking as much as him. She almost drew her arm back when her fingers were about to touch him. She didn't want him to go again, she wanted him to stay. Even if she could only stare at his eyes, as long as his would stare back at hers. But she didn't pull back. Her tears blurred her vision but not her touch. Her fingertips made contact with his raw beard and then his skin. He closed his eyes, taking in the feeling of her warm shaking hand on his skin. He breathed out at the same moment as her, they had been holding their breath all along. A laughter escaped her lips as she caressed his cheek with her entire hand, running her thumb across his cheek.

He had come back to her.

"Who's this?" the little boy repeated his sister's question. She knew who this was. And so she answered. She said that six letter words she thought she would never get to call him again.

"Castle."

* * *

_**Author's note:**_ This was supposed to be a one-shot but I'm writing a second chapter. Stay tuned.


	2. Him

**CHAPTER 2: HIM**

_**Please note that the rating goes up in this chapter.**_

* * *

She closed the distance between them and wrapped him in a tight hug. Her body slammed against his, her hands touching every spot on his back. Her tears falling on his neck felt joyful, he noticed he has started to cry as well. She knew why she was crying but he didn't know why he was.

She trailed kisses on his cheek, jaw and shoulder; when her lips weren't in contact with his skin she said his name, over and over again. He realized that his arms had stayed along his body, not returning the embrace and put them gently on her back. He felt the strange familiarity in the gesture and applied more pressure. Has he ever done this before?

Her touch, her smell and her voice were gentle and strong, new and familiar.

She made him remember an old dance when he couldn't remember he had ever listened to music.

_"Kate?" _She had felt special, unique and beautiful in the book... Like now.

His mind didn't remember but his heart was certain, pounding harder and faster as their bodies were pressed firmly together, as he tried to say her name. He knew this, they, were right. If only he could say it to her, if only he could look at her eyes and say her name.

"_Kate._" He tried once more. Still nothing. Only silence.

* * *

Everything was blurry. He had smashed his head hard on the air bag. As he brought his hand to his face to check for any injury, a scream escaped him. The source of the pain was his hand, his fingers had been seriously bent, and his wrist seemed broken.

He had seen a black car driving fast towards him. Next thing he knew, his head was pounding and his hand seriously injured. He had to get out. His whole body screamed as he tried to be free of his seatbelt. His clothes were ruined with blood.

"Beckett is finally going to use that gun of hers." he murmured to himself before pressing the seat belt button. One step done, the door wouldn't be that easy. It got stuck and all his attempts to force it open only brought more pain to his body. He tried to move to the passenger seat only to see that the other door wouldn't open either. He had to break the window. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around his arm to avoid any cut. A few drops of blood were acceptable but cutting himself seemed a little too much for the wedding.

"You look like you could use some help!" a feminine voice said from door swung open and a hand helped him up, his weight was too much for his legs forcing him to rely on the car and the unknown woman.

"You are my savior, thank you." he told the blonde short haired woman. She smiled at his word, and started to straighten his clothes.

"Such a beautiful suit, too bad you won't be attending your wedding." she opened her bag pack and took out a red tissue.

"Oh I think I can manage without… wait how did you-"

The tissue was now on his noise. His world went black.

* * *

_ "Wake up!" _His eyes blinked, he could hear cars in the distance. _"It's time for the show."_

He finally opened his eyes and met others, green, staring at him with excitement. He looked up to the trees, more green. Everything was wrong, he shouldn't be here. Where was Beckett? Where was he?

"What? You don't like my eyes Rick? Or was it others you were looking for?" She forced his head down, letting him no choice but to look at her. He had to stay calm, more importantly; he had to get out of here, and fast. She looked at her watch and moved to his side.

A new scene reveled itself in front of him. Several cars were gathered around his, which was burning now. The unintelligible voices of stranger were meddling with the cars engines. A white car approached the scene in front of him. The door flew open to reveal a woman in a wedding dress.

_Kate._

He wanted to scream her name and run to her, hold her in his arm and tell her he was okay. But he did none of this. He straightened his legs to get up but didn't see his ankles were tied up on a chair, his weight balanced and made him fall, head first on the ground.

"Oh yes, I tied you up a little bit. I thought you'd try to run to her." The woman crouched and tried to put tape over his mouth. He moved his face away from her hands but there was nothing he could do. The plastic ropes were tight around his ankles and wrists (the right one was still painful).

"Enough!" she placed her hand violently against his cheek to keep him steady and put the tape over his mouth. She took a handful of his hair and turned his face towards the scene in front of him.

"She can't see you. She can't hear you." He saw her fall on the floor, her face wet by her tears.

They both started screaming. Only her voice could be heard. He kept screaming over the tape. He stopped breathing, his lungs and mind only shouting her name. His eyes only focused on her. He could only see her. And then, his world went black.

* * *

Darkness was all he could see. He had been moved hours ago, how much exactly he had no idea: knocked down twice, wrist broken, no light, and no sound beside his own heavy breaths. He couldn't move, still heavily tied up to a chair (a different one). No way out. A bright light suddenly appeared from the ceiling, blinding him.

"Look who is finally awake!" he couldn't see her enter, his eyes still trying to adjust to the white light burning his eyes. "I hope you enjoyed your sleep, because you won't be having much of it before a long time." She approached him and removed the tape on his mouth.

"What do you want?" This had been his first words since she had helped him out of the car (he would have done without the help really). Engaging in a conversation with a deranged woman seemed like a bad idea, but it was the only thing he could do.

"I already have what I want. I have _you_," she walked to a trail in the corner of the room he hadn't noticed. Syringe, medicine, tubes, knives… The situation was getting worst by the second. "If you have any questions, now is the time. Believe me, you won't remember the answer."

There's nothing he wanted to know. There's nothing he needed to know. She must have left a trail, and Beckett will follow it. She'll find him. He didn't care about answers he didn't need.

"And before you ask, _she_ won't find you."

"She will find evidence of what you did. She'll find out I wasn't in the car."

"She'll find evidence, of course. But only the ones I want her to find. Long story short, everyone has something they need or don't want to lose. Find the right people, and well… you can make things disappear! Or in this case, look slightly different."

Bribes, threats, murder... Had she done this? All this by herself? Which people was she talking about and more importantly, could she really make everyone believe he was dead? Could she make Beckett believe it?

"I know this isn't making sense to you. But don't worry, I'm doing this for your own good. You'll forget everything, you'll forget her... And you'll thank me... You'll love me."

"Oh so you're the deranged kind of fan who kidnaps the object of her desires? I am saddened to say that me loving you seems highly unlikely." Her features changed. She wore a tank top which revealed her muscles of her back tensing at his words. He was getting to her, let's hope he would't regret it. "Actually, I'd say impossible. I love another."

It happened quickly. She turned around and a knife flew across the room, landing on his right shoulder. Now he regretted it. He screamed as the knife cut his flesh and entered his right shoulder.

"She doesn't deserve you! Don't you see it! Little cop thinks she can wave her badge and get whatever she wants, whenever she wants. But now... Now she can't, now I have what I want, now it is my turn!"

He didn't pay much attention to her now, more focused on his shoulder and the blood escaping it and falling down his arm, leaving a red trail on his white shirt. And pain, he was focused on the pain.

"I'm sorry about the knife... I'm... I'm just excited to start this new life with you. It won't be easy at first but... Every love story has a rooky start right?" She walked to him with a syringe in her hand. "I'm going to take care of you from now on. Just one last good night of sleep and then we will get started. Then..." His world went black.

* * *

Light. So much light. Too much light. He wasn't tied up to his chair anymore, but a bed. He was laying on his back, hand and feet restrained, shoes and shirt gone. He looked to his shoulder and found it bandaged, his hand also hurt less, a splint was on it. The light was directed to his face, blinding him just like earlier. Added to it was the dizziness, she had drugged him with something that made his head and stomach turn. He didn't feel good at all. He stayed like this for hours. He was hungry and felt as if he could throw up at any second. He wanted to sleep again but the light was too bright. He noticed cables on his legs, chest and arms, but it was impossible to see to what they were linked. Hours passed and his eyes felt heavy, the light didn't matter anymore and his eyes began to close, anticipating the sweet peace of sleep.

His eyes were about to shut when music started to play loudly in the room. He had been to a few concerts in his life and enjoyed listening to music a little louder than necessary when he needed an escape from his writing, but this was an entirely new kind of loud. The kind of loud you can't get used to. The kind that hurt. The kind that keeps you awake when you need to sleep. He stayed awake, his brain and body in pain, for hours. Starving, thirsty, exhausted added to the high temepeature of the room.

Suddenly, his world went black. The sound stopped at the same time the light turned off. Silence. He slept.

* * *

The light went on again too soon. The thirst and hunger kept him from enjoying the little sleep he actually got. He had kept waking up to nightmares, only to find himself awake in another.

The door opened and she entered. She looked completely different; she had died her hair brown and let them fall on her shoulder. Her tank and trousers were replaced with a dress.

She sat next to him on the bed and showed him a photograph.

"Who's this?"

The photograph she held was one of Beckett during their weekend in the Hamptons a year ago. She was sitting at a table outside a café smiling, he knew that because he had been there, but he was cropped out of the photograph. Why was she asking him what she obviously knew?

"Who are you?" he replied, it only occurred to him he still didn't know her name. She cringed and repeated her question.

"Beckett," He finally said, "That's Beckett."

She stood up and left. What was the point of this? She was obviously not happy with his answer but was she expecting another? The point, was revealed to him a few minutes later. He screamed as electricity went from the cables to his body. She was doing this to him. The pain was so big he had stopped breathing; his left fist closed so tight that his nails dug dipped in his hand drawing blood. It lasted minutes and then it was gone.

He was panting. How much time before Beckett would find him? How much time had passed since he had last seen her? He stayed alone in the illuminated room hours. The woman didn't come back. When he tried to get some sleep either music would start playing again or he would get a jolt of electricity. He still hadn't eaten or drunk anything.

Then his world went black. The door opened and he heard footsteps in the room. He couldn't see anything but felt that someone was nearby. A hand touched the back of his head, helping him up.

"What's your name?" he asked once more.

"Drink,." It was the woman's voice, but she didn't sound like before, she sounded calm, almost sweet, and innocent. But she was none of this. "It's only water don't worry." He didn't want to drink anything she would gave him, but his throat was dry and his limbs longed for it. So he did. And it was only water.

"I'll try to come back later." And then she was out of the room. A few minutes passed and he slept.

* * *

The light and dark pattern repeated itself month after month. The woman would always enter the (his) room, wearing that same dress and her curly hair down on her shoulder. She would ask who the woman on the photo is.

"It's Beckett." he would answer. Minutes later he would feel the painful and familiar electricity running in his body. Sometimes she would drug him, letting him in a dizzy state, with hallucination, and then he would throw up. Which it was going to be, he could never know.

She always came back when it was dark, like she promised. She gave him some food, some water or even washed him from time to time. He never spoke to her in the dark.

"Kate." he would keep answering as the woman shows him the photograph.

Electricity and drugs were met with cutting after some time. On his chest mostly, sometimes his arms or legs.

Two years had pasts and he kept answering her question. Until one day he did not. She knew the answer anyway and he knew what would follow. He was tired. She had starred at him for a long time, waiting for the answer. It never came.

He just looked at the beautiful woman on the photograph he hadn't seen for over two years now, refusing to answer her question. That day was the only time she had cut his face, leaving a scar on the right side of his lips, and blood falling in his mouth.

When his world went black again, the other woman had come back again, gave him some water and tried to clean his face.

"Darkness," she whispered as her hand swept off the blood on his face. "You once asked for my name."

She would always come back to him, treating his cuts and burns. She brought a candle once. She had short blonde hair and beautiful green eyes. Darkness looked calm, sweet and innocent. Light was the opposite. Light was pain.

After three years the woman on the photograph wasn't smiling anymore. No one could hold a smile for this long. The woman on the photograph felt distant. He had stopped answering the question. He had stopped looking at the photograph. He just wanted to see Darkness.

* * *

Darkness had given him water and bread that day. She had stayed with him, she had left him. He stared at the darkness, waiting for Light to come, for the question, for the pain. He didn't quite feel it anymore, maybe he was getting used to it. Getting used to look at the floor when Light came, used to never answer, used to wait for the pain to hit him, used to be dead for 5 years.

Everything went wrong. Electricity ran into his body, stronger than he had ever felt. He tried to scream but his mouth let no sounds escape. He was grasping for air, pleading in his head for the pain to stop, it was all wrong, the light weren't turned on, Darkness never did this to him, everything was wrong. The light turned on and the door flew open.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" the woman screamed. She had Light's clothes and Darkness's face. She held what seemed to be a book in her hands. He had never seen Light so angry. But it wasn't Light, he realized, it was Darkness. This was Darkness' true face. Darkness was Light. And Light was pain.

She threw the book at him and it fell by the side of the bed. He took it (he hasn't been tied up for a long time) and looked at the cover.

"CASTLE" the title said.

"By Katherine Beckett"

He felt a strange familiarity in those words. Not the same familiarity he shared with Darkness when she came everyday to fix him before Light came. This one felt distant but also strong as if it had been within him all along and it was only now he could feel it.

"WHO'S THIS?" the woman screamed showing him the photograph.

He had always known one name: Darkness. Until now. There was this other name. It must be a beautiful name to say, it was a beautiful one to think about.

"WHO. IS. SHE?!" she screamed again.

"_Kate?_" He tried to say. His mouth still refused to let any sounds out. So he just looked at the photograph.

"This is NEVER GOING TO WORK!" His eyes were fixed on the photograph. No this wasn't Kate. "IT'S NOT HER IT'S ME! YOUR EYES THINK OF HER BUT THIS IS ME! DON'T YOU SEE!"

And indeed it was. It was long ago since he had last looked at the photograph, but this one was different. The woman on it tried to replicate the old one. Every detail had been taken care of: the light, the background and the clothes. But the smile. He remembered her smile in a corner of his mind. It used to fill him with a pleasant feeling, one he hadn't felt for a long time. It was natural and generous. It was beautiful. The one on the current photograph was not. She had replaced the photograph without him noticing one day.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO START LOVING ME! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK! AND HERE SHE IS WAVING HER SUCCESS AT ME, WAVING MY FAILURE! I'M SURE YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS!" She left and slammed the door after her, leaving the photograph in the middle of the room. He looked down to the book. Underneath the title was the silhouette of a man, sitting on a chair and legs crossed on a desk. He turned the book to look at the back cover. The photo of a man smiling was on the left corner of the book. He read:

"_Dear Rick, I don't know how much time I have, even to write this letter. What I do know now is that I'm in this and the only way I'm going to make it out alive is to see this through. I'm sure everyone is looking for me and if they figure out I was here CSU is going to search this house. They're going to look for blood and they will find it, which will lead them to this letter. Babe, it's your letter. And I hope you never have to read this, that I can tell you all of these things in person, but if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship, is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man and I love you with all of my heart. Always."_

* * *

He had read the book as fast as possible, fearing the light will leave again. When he did, he felt this familiarity again but there was something else. Something he felt and knew he had felt before, but couldn't put a name on it, a face on it. The second reading was slower; he had found a pen nearby the trail and used it to underline some part of the book. The light never turned off since the woman had given him the book. The woman also never came back.

The book had stirred something in him. Things that felt like memories. It spoke of unknown people and unknown places. It spoke of people and places he used to know. It spoke of what he wanted to know (again?).

He looked at the nightstand; on the right side was the book, on the left the photograph.

He didn't know if what the book was saying was true, but his heart felt more sure than his head. And so he decided to follow it. He picked up the book and walked to the door, it opened to his surprise. The place was silent and only his footsteps could be heard. He walked in rooms and corridors, looking for something or someone that could help him. He walked towards the last room he hadn't checked and fell. Blood. He had slipped on blood.

He landed just next to the pool of blood, too tired to stand up he followed the the trail with his eyes.

It led to the woman. She was lying on the floor, her face was against the floor and her neck had been sliced open. She was dead. Scared, he stood up and put as much distance as he could with the body.

He stopped. _The book_, he had dropped the book.

"_No. No. No. No. No." _The book had fallen right next to the puddle of blood. The corner was stained, stained by the woman's blood.

That's when it hit him. The woman was never real, but she had ruined what was. She had tried to make him something new and made him forget the old to do so. And it has almost worked. He cried. It had worked.

Eventually he stopped crying. He stayed sitting next to the puddle of blood, holding the book in his hand and looking at the back cover: "_I'm in this and the only way I'm going to make it out alive is to see this through."_ He glanced at the only door he hadn't walked through yet. He wanted to make it. He wanted to make it out alive. He stood up and opened the door.

He wasn't in the apartment anymore.

* * *

He had walked aimlessly for a few days, walking as far as his legs could take him. After a while he had gathered that the city he was in was New York. He had found a bag with some food and a bottle of water along the way, which he saved as much as he could. The day was hard. The sun hit him too hard; the noise of the city reminded him of the room. That's why he only walked at night, during the day he would sit in a corner and wait for the night to come.

He was now in an alley, the sun was low enough for shadows to appear, he had sat on one and brought his bottle of water up to his lips. Empty.

"You can have mine."

He looked up and found a little brown haired girl with blue eyes staring down to him. No one had ever looked at him since he was in the city. (Why would they when there is the sky above them?)

_"Thank you."_ he tried to say. She was smiling at him. He thought he had finally spoke but then realized that she was just returning his smile. The girl looked at him a little longer, specifically the book she was holding.

"I have to go, my bus is coming." The little girl turned around and ran to the bus stop. She held a woman's hand, at her touch the red haired woman looked down and started to talk to her.

Alexis. It was Alexis. She looked so much like her, it was her. How much time had passed?

"Alexis!" he tried to scream but they stepped into the bus. "Alexis!" he whispered, but they were gone. He stood up and walked to the bus stop. He will be on the next one. He opened the new bottle of water and drank.

* * *

He stood in front of the door and rested his hand on the flat surface. He couldn't be sure this was the right door; after all, he had just got off the bus because he had like the look of one building. It didn't mean anything. He knocked; hope getting the best of him. Nothing.

He looked down to the book in his hand and knocked again.

"A minute!" a voice said. He heard her voice again, not as loudly as before, and ones of kids talking. He waited a minute, the longest minute he had lived.

"I'm sorry for taking so much time, kids you know how it is."

_Her._ The woman from the real photograph.

He heard kids' voices but had no idea what they were saying. He was lost in her eyes. He remembered the photograph and it did not do her justice. She was beautiful.

Emotions ran through him, he had to talk but it was too hard. He had to think of something, of somehow. So he handed her the book. They way she had looked down to it would have made any doubts he had go away, but he didn't have any at this point. She had understood what he had just said. He smiled. She was the woman from the book.

She reached for his cheek, at the contact he almost drew back, he felt something coming from her fingers to his skin. It wasn't like the electricity that used to go through him, this touch was pleasant and warm. Loving. He liked it and leaned in her hand. He had come back home.

* * *

_**Author's note:**_ Thank you for all the review/fav/follow/tweets. They all pushed me to write a little more of this story. I didn't expect so much love for my first fic. Enough said, enjoy it. I'm looking forward to your reviews.


	3. Survivors

**CHAPTER 3: SURVIVORS**

People in a hospital hoped for good news, stared at these doors as if it would open and a doctor would appear out of the blue with a smile and tell them that someone close to them, or themselves, would be okay. Most people were there for a consult, a broken leg that needed fixing, a pounding headache or trying to stay alive after an accident. All were common reasons to be in a hospital. But hers wasn't common at all, where others were waiting on news about whether their loved one had survived or not, she was the only one here to already know the answer. This should make the waiting easier but it doesn't. Hospitals had this smell of clean sickness, an air too pure and too bad to breathe, walls were painted in a grey shade of white, the hallways empty could become full of doctors and injured people in a second and the silence was loud. Hospitals were the place where all that was white was touched by something black, where silence met noise, detergent met blood. Where life and death met and made one.

Like any other human being she hated hospitals, but above all, she hated that her kids were there, breathing the air, touching the floors, listening to the silence. They had barely talked since they had left the house, them who always had conversations over which superhero was better, which food was tastier or who was the one who could read or run faster. They had been here for an hour already and they haven't said a word (unless that thing people say about twins is true and they didn't need words to talk to each other). Each was reading comics, this was one of the things she loved the most about them, they have always loved reading, like their father. She hadn't pushed them towards books, some day they just asked her to buy some comics for them after looking at the covers in a store.

She looked at her watch. An hour and half had passed since she had called Martha. She had said that she would meet them at the hospital, but she was probably stuck in traffic. During the ride over here, it was still fluid enough to come fast, which she had been thankful for. Car rides with the kids were them singing whatever song they had in their heads, playing whatever game they wanted or discussing their day. The ones with Castle were them building theories, pushing each other buttons.

A car ride with the four of them, she had never hoped for it, barely had imagined it. All three of them laughing, Castle making jokes and Lona would follow his lead. Her and Alex would probably roll their eyes at one of their jokes. But it hadn't been that at all, silence, tension, confusion that's what it had been like.

He hadn't spoke a word since he had showed up at her door, she first thought he was just as overwhelmed as she was, but the minutes passed, they had moved to the couch in the living room and he still didn't talk. She understood it wasn't his choice entirely, the way his eyes locked with hers whenever she would ask him how he could be here or what had happened to him, reflected his frustration. Then he had laid eyes on the kids, standing far behind her. They were looking at him, observing this unknown man who appeared to be their father. She asked them to come closer, to properly introduce them.

* * *

She wiped clean the tears on her face, as each of the kids stood at her sides.

"Castle, this is your son and your daughter, Alexender and Lona."

His eyes were bouncing back and forth between the two little kids.

"Kids, this is your-"

"It's dad." her daughter said, cutting her off. Castle reached for his bag pack and opened it, taking an empty water bottle out of it. He handed it to his daughter.

"No, I gave it to you. You can keep it."

"Wh- what's going on?" Kate asked, confused as to how or when her daughter could have given him anything. They just stood there, father holding his daughter's and son's hand. She was mesmerized by it, the love in his eyes. She remembered when Alexis had been kidnapped around seven years ago and the conversation they had at the precintc. He had talked about the day he had held Alexis for the first time, the day of her birth, that instant love he had felt for her as their eyes had met. That inexplicable love she had herself felt the day she gave birth to the twins and a woman had handed them to her. Today she was the one handing them to him for the first time, and she got to see it in his eyes, this love.

"Mom… mommy," the little boy said, trying to get his mother attention. After a few seconds she looked down to him. "You remember how Lee and I were supposed to stay at Alexis' yesterday but I was sick?"

"Yes, I do. Why honey?" she replied, confused as to where his was going.

"Well only Lee went. And this morning they came home by bus because Lex's car was broken… Lee told me that she had seen a man that looked like dad in the photos. And he was reading your book and also he wanted to drink water but his bottle was empty so she went to give him hers."

Lona's words started to make more sense now. Maybe it also explained why he had come here only today.

"Why didn't she tell me anything? Why didn't you?" She wanted to ask directly to her daughter but she and Castle were playing with their hands, fingers touching each inch of the other's hand, Alex was only holding his father's and looking up at her so getting an answer from him would be easier.

" Well… Alexis told her in the bus that it couldn't be possible and that she shouldn't wander off to strangers in the streets because it's dangerous. And when Lee told me what happened I said the same thing because when my hamster died you said he couldn't come back because he was dead… like daddy… but…" Her son paused, thinking of what to say next, thinking like Kate was. Was that it? Had he lived in the streets for five years? If that was the case why hadn't he come back earlier? Why now? "Sorry I didn't say anything mom."

"Oh no honey, it's okay. It's okay" she said, passing her hand carefully on his head not to ruin his haircut. What happens now?

"Mom?" the little girl called, breaking the eye contact with her father for the first time. "What's this?" she asked pointing to her father's wrist.

She had left the NYPD three years ago, being there without him and raising the kids became difficult for her to stay at the precinct. She had taken a teaching position at the police academy, it wasn't as great as being a police detective but she had more time with her kids and babysitting hours with Martha were easier to organize. When she had been a detective, she had seen the mark her daughter was showing her, but usually on dead bodies. They were old rope marks, starting to fade. Has he been tied up? Were there other marks on his body?

"Okay… Kids, can you go to my room and grab my purse; it should be on the bed. And please check if my phone and car keys are in it?" She knew the keys and the phone were in it, but she needed a few minutes alone with him. He brought back his eyes to her when the kids were out of sight.

"Castle… Have you…" she didn't know what to say so she grabbed his sleeve, and started to push it up his right arm. When she did, he grabbed her arm with his free hand and stopped her from going further. The gesture wasn't soft or loving as the hug had been at the doorstep, this one was frightened and pleading her to not do what she was about to. She looked up at him and his eyes were staring at her hand holding the sleeve.

"It's okay Castle. I'm not gonna do anything… don't worry, it's just me."

He looked up at her and the worry slowly faded away, she looked down and slowly pulled up his sleeve. She was expecting something but actually seeing it disturbed her. His skin had been cut several times, she could even see a recent burn on it.

"What happened to you?" it came out as a whisper as she looked up to him.

"Mom, are we going somewhere?" Lee asked, coming out of the bedroom, her brother following her and holding her purse. She pulled down his sleeve slowly not to frighten him, but fast enough so that the kids didn't see the injured arm.

"Hospital, we're going to the hospital."

* * *

She sat in an empty hallway, her kids next to her reading quietly, and waited. The worst part is the wait, the not knowing what is happening beyond the closed double door. Bringing him here had seemed logical, the scars and burns on his arm, his tired eyes, his heavy breaths, he didn't seem okay and it scared her. She wanted him to be okay, she wanted him to be okay with them. Maybe she should try reading as well. She had brought Castle's book in her purse. Of course she had already read the book, she had wrote it after all, she had lived it even, but what else could she do?

"Katherine?" Martha appeared at the other end of the hallway, the confusion she had heard on the phone when she had tried to explain the situation was now visible on Martha's face. The two women met halfway the hallway in a hug. Kate could feel Martha's eyes fixed on the double door behind her when she asked if what Kate had told on the phone was real. She explained everything, how she had come back to the apartment after parting ways with her and Alexis, how he had knocked at her door and handed her the book and hasn't said a word since. By the end of her monologue, Martha had sat down next to the kids, one of her hand was holding Alex's and drawing little circles on it with her thumb. Only one tear had escaped her eyes and fell on the little boys hand, the others she had whipped clean of her face before they fell.

"Where's Alexis? I thought she was with you?" Kate asked, the two were supposed to be together and she noticed only now that she was not here. If Kate had understood correctly, Castle had seen Lona this morning, therefore there was a chance he had seen his other daughter as well with her.

"I left her short after we left you. I called her right after you called me, she's coming." Martha explained how she hadn't said anything about the girl's father being back, as she had thought that she had misunderstood herself.

Ryan and Esposito came 5 minutes later; they wanted to come earlier but they were working on a heavy case for the past couple of months. It involved a serial killer but she didn't know anything precise. She explained them the situation again, it was the second time she did so but it still didn't seem real. The Guys were speechless and offered to try to figure out what had happen to him. Kate also asked Ryan if he could take the twins for the night, it was 10pm now and they had started to sleep on their chair.

"Of course, Beckett. Grace and Jenny will be happy to see them."

The kids obviously didn't want to go, claiming they weren't tired between yawns. She had convinced them after a few minutes, promising they won't have to go to school tomorrow and could stay with their father instead. This seemed to be what decided them to follow her ex-partner.

An hour after the kids left had passed and Alexis finally arrived. She was with her boyfriend, Dan (whom she had been dating for two years and known for four). When they met, Dan was a graduate student from a cooking school in France and had just opened a little restaurant in the city. Kate liked the young man, very talented and successful; he was really down to earth and had a great heart, and she was happy Alexis had found a good man.

"What happened? Are the twins okay?"

This reminded Kate than Alexis still didn't know. Not seeing the two kids around probably made Alexis think that they were sick or injured and needed care at the hospital.

"They are at Ryan's. They are fine." Kate answered. Now she had to explain for the third time how Castle had come, how he had never died, how he had find his way back. She took a deep breath just when Martha hold her hand and gave her a sympathetic look. She went ahead with telling her granddaughter.

"W- what?"

Martha's bit her bottom lip and repeated her words. Alexis' face decomposed, her lips moved but didn't let any words escape. She took a step back, if it weren't for Dan's hand holding her up, she would have fall right there. Seeing the young girl like this, eyes red and unable to pronounce any words made her think of the beginning of all this, when they all thought he was dead. Of course, that's the moment the doctor decided to show up.

Martha asked about Rick after introducing herself, Dan, and Alexis who was still in shock.

"Your husband's condition is like nothing I've ever seen." She addressed Kate since she was the one who brought him in.

_"He's not my husband."_ She thought about saying but did not.

"His body is covered with scar tissues and burns, his back has most of the second-degree burns. His right ankle has been fractured and his right wrist broken, both healed really badly. And the list is long. It's a miracle he isn't in more pain to be honest. For the scars, most are superficial, but there is a few deep ones that left ugly scars. It's obvious that the person who did this to him wanted something from him given the ropes marks and one big scar on his left shoulder which appears to come from a stabbing. But his body's state is only the tip of the iceberg."

A fractured ankle, a broken wrist, second degree burns, scars and this was only the beginning. The doctor proceeded to explain Castle's mental health. He had a retrograde amnesia, and couldn't remember some parts of what had happen to him before the last five years. Added to that was the mutism, the doctor explained that he was able to speak but his brain refused to. All this was a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of what was done to him.

Castle had been held captive for five years, tortured it seemed. He held the physical and mental damages. It took him five years to get out of there, five years she had done nothing to get him out, five years she thought he was dead when he was probably waiting for her, until his amnesia kicked in. She had forgotten about him. She had let him down.

Kate blamed herself. And the only thing she could do is ask for forgiveness. But what would it do? He couldn't talk, probably didn't remember her entirely. He shouldn't forgive her, she thought.

"Do you want to see him?"

She realized the doctor was talking to her and she hadn't answered.

"No," she said abruptly "I… Martha and Alexis should see him first… they haven't seen him..."

"Come on darling, it could be good for him to see you, to see us all. Familiar faces, that's what he needs right now." Martha suggested.

"No, later. I have a few calls to make first, but I'll join you later." She answered, trying to give a smile to the woman. She could see that Martha didn't buy it, that no calls were needed, but she decided not to talk about it for now and just gave Kate a knowing smile.

"Alright, his room is 503. Oh and I almost forgot. We noticed that he has troubles with staying under bright lights so we've turned off the light and let some dim lights on only. Just don't turn on the lights even if the room is really dark." These were the doctor's last words; she left towards an office and shut the door behind her. Martha took Alexis' hand and walked towards the double door, where the room 503 was, but Alexis didn't move.

"I'm not sure I can do this…" the woman whispered out. Her face showed happiness at the news but mostly terror. The trembling movement of her lips and her red eyes wide open, she was really, really terrified. That's when Dan turned and held each side of her face with both his hand, making her look up to him.

"Lex, of course you can. Your father will be delighted to see you, as you will be. Everything will be okay, and if you need me, I'll be right here in this hallway, alright? Martha and Kate are here too. You're not alone. You can do this, you're a survivor, like your dad, right?"

His thumb was gently caressing her cheek as he spoke; his voice was calm and steady. He looked at her as if she was the most important thing in the world, as if one of them was the moon and the other the earth, and that one couldn't leave without the other. She didn't know which was which but maybe they knew. She had seen them together before but she had never seen them like this before, this familiarity and passion. He let out a slight laugh at his last words which made Alexis smile and nod at him. Alexis squeezed Martha's hand slightly and smiled towards Kate.

"Not alone." she whispered. Dan kissed Alexis' cheek slightly and let her go with Martha. The two women disappeared behind the double doors.

She sat down and kept starring at Castle's book she held in her hand.

How long had she been holding it?

She asked herself that question for half an hour until she looked up to find Dan sitting next to her. She had forgotten that he was here.

He was looking down to a little velvet box revealing a ring inside. He must have noticed that Kate was looking at him in the corner of her eyes because he began to speak.

"I was going to propose to her today. I had asked Martha to drop by the restaurant after an hour of shopping, so that she wouldn't have an idea of what I was planning. Then Martha would excuse herself and let us together. I had the whole thing planned. We would cook and eat her favorite dish together. And after desert, I'd ask her to marry me. It was perfect in my head, just her and me, you know?" he paused to run a hand over the surface of the ring and then continued "I was so nervous and scared. I know I love her, and I know she loves me but… what if she doesn't want this now? I didn't want to scare her off or... But then I thought back to the day I had met her. Has Alexis talked to you about it?"

She hadn't. Whenever Martha or her would bring up the question, the young woman would only say that they had met at his job and talked, leaving out all the details.

"It was around a year after her father… disappearance. She was alone and I was waiting for her to leave so I could close the restaurant. I had brought her dish to her and the only sounds I could hear were the ones of the plates I was washing when I got back to the kitchen. Ten minutes later, I hear her laughing. I thought she was on the phone or something, but no. She was just looking at the omelet she had ordered at midnight and the whipped cream she had put over it. I was just at the kitchen door, looking at her from afar and her laugh was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. But then the laughter's slowed down and became sobs. This was one of those moments, you know? When you forget the world and its rules, and are acutely aware of only two things : yourself and what is happening right in front of you. I couldn't help myself and had to do something. I didn't even think, I just did what my guts told me to do and next thing I knew, I was sitting on the chair across her and had removed the plate from her. She cried for at least 20 minutes and I was there, silent and looking at her. Then she looked up at me and said 'Nothing is right and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can fix it'. She cried more and I did the only thing I could do. I held her hand." He closed the velvet box and held it tightly between his two hands.

"When I was terrified to ask her, sitting on the same chair she had been on that day, I thought back to what I told her that night, the only thing I had told her. And then all my fears were gone."

He put the box in his inner pocket and rubbed his face with his hand. He was exhausted as she was. Kate's watch showed midnight.

"Martha called just when I had taken the box out of my pocket. I don't know, maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't ask her. It's not the right time or being married isn't for us and all..."

Kate thought back to when Castle had proposed to her, to the worries she had back then.

"Marriage isn't about bad timing, Dan. Things will get ruff, just like they've been before. That doesn't change. It's a promise, to figuring things out together, going through those hard times together. If you're willing to do that, then marriage won't be too difficult for you, because even if things don't go as planned, you promise to have each other's backs, always." As she finished her sentence Alexis appeared at the double door, smiling, tears gone from her face.

"Guys, if you want to see him you should do it now. He is starting to get tired."

"Thanks Alexis, we're coming" Kate answered, Alexis went back to her father's room. Both Kate and Dan stood up and walked towards the double door, before to open the door Kate turned back to the young man.

"What was the thing that you told Alexis that day when you met her? That made you decide to propose to her just before Martha called?"

"I told her that some things couldn't be fixed. But that it didn't mean that they couldn't be transformed into something different." He walked past her and opened the door for her to walk in. "And that, if she wants it bad enough, then the change will be as good as the old, if not better." he finished.

* * *

The room's door was slightly open but with no lights on she couldn't see anything inside. Dan knocked on the door gently and a few seconds later, Alexis opened the door. The terror that had been on her eyes earlier was gone and only a smile of pure joy could be seen on it. She took Dan hands. They followed Alexis lead and entered the room. Only a lamp was on and Martha was holding Castle's left hand, when the older woman turned her eyes towards them Castle's did as well. But Kate couldn't look at him, so she gave him a quick smile and sat down at the empty chair next to his feet. Alexis sat back to Castle's right, still holding her boyfriend's hand.

"Dad, this is Dan. He's um…" she looked up to him before finishing her sentence. "He's my fiancé." she finished, giving the young man a smile. Of course Alexis knew he wanted to propose. Or was it her way to propose to him? In any case, the young man's smile growing on his face was indicating that he approved of the term.

They stayed silent. After an hour everyone had fallen asleep except her. She was still staring at the book in her hands, gently touching the cover. She opened it, she didn't know why, maybe a reader's habit. The pages were highlighted in different colors, some parts were circled and others had question marks above them. Did it mean he had forgotten about those? She went through each page, taking mental notes of what he had written on them. Montgomery's shooting was highlighted and the part she had written about how she had felt hanging off that roof was circled. She observed everything, every ink that had been added, until she arrived towards the end of the book. Some drained blood was on the corner of the book, further she went in the book and bigger the stain was, reaching the printed words. The black words were hard to distinguish from the red blood until the last pages, where the book had soaked so long in the blood that the paper was black with blood, and the words were just impossible to separate from it.

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

She closed the book.

"I should have been there and I wasn't. I should have saved you and I didn't even try. I'm so sorry." She cried. "I'm so sorry, Castle."

She kept crying in silence until she fell asleep on her chair, the book falling from her lap to the floor.

* * *

_**Author's Note :**_ I want to apologize with the long delay on this chapter. The first thousands words didn't want to come out. Added to that, exams results, uni registration, catching up some tv shows and not feeling well days, this chapter took longer to write than I first expected.

As you can see, this fic started as a one-shot but isn't one anymore. I have a general idea where I want this story to go, a few ideas for different chapters, but I'm mostly writing this as it comes. So I don't really know how long it will be or how often I will upload. And if the chapters are all 4k(ish) so far, I'm not sure they all will be.

Your follows/favs really push me to write more (and faster) and your reviews really warm my heart and help me improve my writing. And for all of them THANK YOU. Even people only reading this fic, makes me love this new side of the fandom I'm discovering slowly and I'M LOVING IT, THANK YOU !

Looking forward to read your reviews (positive and/or negative) and I hope you're spending a good day, if not, remember: You're a survivor and everything will be okay.


	4. Guilty

**CHAPTER 4: GUILTY**

_Kate opened the door and found him sitting uncomfortably straight in his chair, starring at the wall in front of him. Only one light turned on above him.__ "Castle?" __she called out a couple of times behind him. She raised her hand to rest it on his shoulder and at the contact, a scar appeared. _

_She was now standing in front of him and could see the restrains keeping him from moving. Horrified, she crouched and started to untie his wrists and ankles._

"_Come on Castle. Let's get out of here." Her voice sounding more panicked that she had wished.__ He didn't move once she had freed him, he intensely stared up at her. _

_The room was enough enlighten to see his eyes, filled with pain, hatred and disappointment. She called out to him again but he didn't move, the burns and scars appearing on his body each time she said his name. "Castle." she pleaded again._

_ "Castle. "_

_ "Castle."_

_ "Castle."_

_She suddenly found herself behind the window of the interrogation room. Disoriented by the sudden change of scenery, she ran to the door to open it. Locked, she walked back to the window and tried to break it, it being her only escape._

_ "CASTLE!" she screamed, "CASTLE TALK TO ME!" she shouted. He kept starring at her though the window, each time her fist would make contact with the window's glass, a new bruise, a new cut appeared on his body. _

_ "I'm so sorry Castle. I am." His green eyes were still on her, filled with guilt, disappointment and self hatred. She hit the glass even harder._

_"Please, forgive me!"__She hit the window over and over again but not a dent would appear on the glass. She let herself fall down on the floor, tears pouring out of her eyes._

"_I'm so sorry." she mumbled between sobs, her hands covering her eyes, trying to erase the image of those eyes on her._

_ "CASTLE!" she yelled. The glass shattered above her, pieces of it falling all over her._

She jumped off her chair when she woke up. "Just a bad dream." she told herself, rubbing her eyes with her hands. Her body ached from the night spent on the chair. She stayed in this position, face in her hands, for a few minutes, trying to clear out her mind. She couldn't get rid off the image of the green eyes staring at her.

"Mrs. Beckett?"

She almost jumped again at the sound of the feminine voice calling her. She turned around and found the young doctor resting on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up." she added once Kate turned around to face her.

"No it's alright. How's-" she turned around to look at the bed, expecting to see him, but he wasn't there. The chair where Martha and Alexis had been in last night was also empty. She was suddenly overwhelmed with panic.

"We took him for some tests earlier this morning. He's with your family in the hallway right now." She paused a few seconds and précised that he was fine.

The clock on the wall showed 11a.m. and Kate was still in a blurry state, not fully awake. She couldn't let go of the images from her dream, his eyes looking right at her like he never had in the past. The doctor walked over to the chair in front of her and sat down.

"The next few days and weeks are going to be crucial for him. If the circumstances were different we would keep him at least three days but I think it's best to make an exception here."

"I understand." Kate replied quietly, "How many weeks is he going to stay?"

"Well… Preferably none." Kate first thought that she misheard. His physical and mental state was surely too important for him to just leave the hospital. "What Mr. Castle needs is rest, a lot of it and a steady environment. That's sleep, healthy food and good hygiene but also people around him that love him and help him go back to a normal routine. I'm sure he will find all this at home."

"But… what about the trauma? What if something goes wrong?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. If, as your stepmother and stepdaughter would like, you do bring him home, you have to be fully aware of this. We can't know what happened to him precisely before he talks, but if his injuries are any indication, it was really violent. We've seen some people victim of torture being violent towards the people that try to help them before. But I don't think that's the case with your husband."

"He's not my husband." She snapped. During parents meetings or when filling out paper, husband and wife was that empty case she could never cross. According to the paper, she was just alone. "He's… he's my partner." Kate said, looking up to the woman across from her. The woman's eyes showed compassion towards her. At any second the woman will probably take her hand and try to reassure her and that she did not wanted. She had to deal with this on her own first, deal with this situation and what she did on her own.

"Why isn't it his case?" Kate inquired, hoping the woman would go back to their original conversation.

"Well… during the few tests we have performed, whenever someone would get close or touch him, he would keep them away. He didn't hurt anyone at all, but after three doctors held him down so we could take some of his blood, we saw that he had closed his fits so tight his nails cut his hands. We're not worried that he could hurt someone else, even if that is a possibility, but mostly that he could hurt himself."

Kate buried her face in her hands. She couldn't take care of him for many obvious reasons. First, she couldn't possibly be with him 24/7 with her job (but she did have a lot of days off waiting to be taken). Second, staying in the hospital would be the best decision in case of medical urgency and lastly, the kids.

"Are you sure he wouldn't hurt someone else? Because what you just said is the exact opposite."

A light laugh escaped the doctor's mouth and Kate's veins popped. Was she mocking her for being concerned of her kids safety, the love of her life and father of her kids had come back from the dead and laughing was not what she wanted to hear.

"You should take a look at him in the hallway but yes, I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about."

The doctor left, leaving Kate alone in her chair. She walked towards the sink in the little bathroom of the room. The cold water against her skin felt good, cleaning what remained of her dream, until she looked up to the mirror and saw her eyes again. _Hers_, it was _her_ eyes. She made a fist of her right hand and rested it against the glass. She took a deep breath to calm down and push away all her thoughts. Now was not the time to break down but the one to get everything together.

She walked to the door and peeked at the hallway. Martha and Alexis were talking together while Castle and the twins were on the right side of the corridor, their back to her. They had moved Castle to a wheelchair, Alex sitting on his father's lap while Lee was trying to push them, without success.

She understood what the doctor had said about Castle by looking at his left arm, the only thing she could see aside of the back of his head. He was relaxed, his hand on the armrest, holding on to it slightly but only to stay balanced as his son was jumping on his lap. She also noticed the bandage around his hand. That's when Alex, who so far had been giving orders to his sister to push them, got off his father and turned around the wheelchair to join his sister. By doing so, he saw her and called out to her, which made everyone's head turn around as well (except his, she sadly noticed).

Martha and Alexis were the first one to join her.

"We tried to wake you up three hours ago but nothing." the young woman told her. "How are you?"

"As well as sleeping on a chair is, which is not so good." Kate remembered last night, and how Martha had let her some time to think and thanked her, she then asked the two women if they really thought taking him out of the hospital was the best for him. They did and repeated pretty much everything the doctor had told her ten minutes ago.

"CHAIR COMING!" the twins called. Both were pushing the chair towards the three women. They lost control of it and Castle was now coming towards them fast. If Alexis and Martha were able to avoid the coming chair, Kate's vision cleared only when they stepped aside. Without thinking, she put her hands in front of her in an attempt to stop the chair, they slammed against each of the armrests, stopping instantly the chair and ejecting Castle out of it. Surprised by his body coming towards her, she grabbed him to keep him from falling on the floor.

The two of them were now tangled in a weird embrace. She could feel his arms around her, holding on to her. It was the first physical contact they had since they left the apartment. She almost dived in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the warm of his body against hers, but decided against it. She sat him back on the chair. She couldn't decipher his eyes, they were so familiar but at the same time so distant from what she remembered. She swallowed and broke the eye contact, fearing what she could see once she had looked hard enough to understand. That's how she saw his fists closed tightly.

"It's okay Castle." She told him, trying to open one of his hands gently. "No one is gonna hurt you anymore." She told him, avoiding his eyes and removing her hands. After a few seconds, his fits opened. Relieved, she looked up to him. It was so easy to get lost in his eyes, so simple. It comforted her to see his blue eyes staring back at her, a reassurance that he was here, but she was also terrified at the idea that any of his looks could be the last one directed to her without rejection. So she looked away, foolishly thinking that if she didn't look, the love that might still be in his eyes wouldn't be able to leave.

"Sorry mother." Alex said, his hands had been hiding his eyes. Lee repeated the same words after removing her hands from her mouth. Alexis suggested bringing Castle back to his room, Martha followed and let Kate talk with her kids.

"Kids, no more pushing him around. This could have ended badly, for him but also for you both." Kate stated calmly, giving them a little hug.

"We just wanted to bring him to you. We know how much you missed Dad." She let out a sight. Of course that's what they wanted to do.

"You also wanted to push him around too because it's funny, or am I wrong?" asked teasingly.

"Well, just a little bit."

Kate smiled and sat down the twins on the nearest bench, "Kids, your father is going through some difficult stuff right now. That's why he…"

"Why he doesn't talk." her daughter finished.

"Yes honey. When we thought your father was gone, he was actually with some people."

"Bad guys?" her son asked.

"Yes, he was. But now he's back and we gotta help him get better, Grams, Alexis, me but also you two."

"We can? You don't usually let us help with important stuff at home." her daughter commented.

"Oh I know how I can help! I'll give him some of my candy!" Alex waved the chocolate bar in his hand as if he only realized now he was holding it.

"Who gave you that?"

"Uncle Kevin gave me money for the vending machine when he brought us here. Chocolate is great, Dad will love it!"

Kate took a mental note to talk to Ryan about this. The two were already bouncing and running around every day, adding sugar to the mix and they would never stop. Lona took her brother's chocolate bar and ate some of it as soon as it left her brother's hand. "She meant help with our awesome selves' bro." She turned to her mother "Will do, Mommy General!" She stood at attention towards her mother; Alex quickly mimicked her and followed with a "What she said."

She smiled at the pair of them looking up at her. Their enthusiasm and cheerfulness making her feel better about the situation. She was surprised and relieved at how easily they had understood what was happening. She gave a quick kiss on each of their foreheads and let them joined everyone else in Castle's room. She looked at them walking in the hallway, Lona breaking what was left of the chocolate bar in two and giving a piece to her brother. They had almost reached the door when her phone buzzed.

"_Yo Beckett! Sorry to disturb your family time, could you drop off what writer boy had with him when he came back, might be some clues in there. No rush but sometime in the next few days would be perfect. See ya. _

_JE_

_Ps: Say hi to Castle from everyone at the 12__th__"_

Kate put the phone back in her pocket, not checking the 12 e-mails waiting to be read, probably from some of her students she was supposed to see today. She realized that she hadn't called the school to warn them of her absence. Joining Ryan's note was now calling the academy and use the few days off she had, plus calling a replacement she trusted.

Castle's doctor was by the reception, taking paper off the desk. Not remembering her name, Kate tentatively called out "doctor" hoping the tall woman would turn around, which she did. As she walked towards her, Kate wondered whether or not the woman had tried modeling, her short dark hair and brown eyes giving her a serious and yet reassuring appearance. Kate looked down at her badge very quickly to read her name.

"Dr. Jeffords, what you said this morning about taking him out of the hospital, when could it be done?"

"We're still waiting on the result of this morning's test." She looked down at her watch "I think you could leave by 2 or 3 p.m."

Kate thought she had heard Castle's name and turned around to his room but no one was there.

" -take him after all?"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"So you decided to take him after all?" the doctor repeated.

"It's either that or him going straight for the wall." She mumbled to herself. "Yes, I guess we did."

"I'll have someone bring you the papers you'll need to sign then."

She heard Castle's name again, but this time she knew she wasn't loosing it. The sound wasn't from behind her but in front of her, in the waiting area. She walked passed Dr. Jeffords, whose hair and long legs had been quickly forgotten, and reached the small room. Only one man, in his mid thirties was here, holding a document and his phone, watching the television in front of him, she followed his gaze to look at the screen. On air was some "people news" show starring a guy called Jordan and a woman whose name was Terry (or maybe it was Kelly), nothing very interesting unless you wanted to know who was sleeping with whom at the moment. The cable show's summary finished and the camera was back on the two "journalists". The woman was the first one to talk:

_"Good morning Jordan! How are you today?"_

_ "I'm feeling good. What about you Kerry, are you having a nice morning?"_

_ "A very good one my dear, my favorite mystery novel writer came back from the dead today. How crazy?" _

The screen revealed an old photo of Castle from one of his old public appearance, his sunglasses on his noise, pen in his hand and signing pictures of himself.

_ "One of our sources spotted the five year long dead, or not so much, writer at a hospital in New York City." _The picture faded and revealed a shaking video taken with an iPhone where she could see Castle in his wheelchair looking at the twins in front of him. Alexis was in the back but only her hair were visible, the rest of her was hidden by a wall.

_ "I'm sorry Kerry but I don't know that man."_

_ "Oh Jordan that's because you, like a lot of other Americans, do not read much. But it's okay, I still love you and I'm here to remember you the facts. The handsome and once closely shaved Richard Castle is the author of the famous Derrick Storm book series. After killing his main character in the last book he then wrote a new series of books, Nikki Heat, about a journalist Jameson Rook following a strong, smart and sexy N.Y.P.D .detective in her cases." _The television screen showed the video on a loop, with a banner "Richard Castle is alive!" at the bottom.

"_You see Jordan, five years ago, the long nicknamed "white whale" was about to marry N.Y.P.D. detective and muse Katherine Beckett, but had a tragic car accident on his way to the wedding. After investigation, proof of his presence in the car had been found and, to my great despair and the ones of all his fans, the writer was officially died."_

_ "Oh yes! I remember the accident in the Hamptons, was it?. What a shame."_

_ "Indeed Jordan, and do you see the two little brown haired kids just there."_

_ "Oh yes Kerry I do. Are they his?!"_

_"That's the worst part of the story. His bride-to-be, who wrote a book called "Castle" after his death, was actually pregnant at the time, and this is the very first footage of the little five year old Castle twins on American television."_

_ "Well, I don't know about you Kerry, but I cannot wait to hear more of this story."_

_ "Wait until someone tells him that her book sold better than his last Derrick Storm."_

_"Until then, I have some people news for you concerning America's sweetheart Taylor Swift, who has been spotted with something new on her left hand."_

Kate stopped breathing, she was red. Red with anger that now everyone knew about his sudden come back, red that him and her kids had been filmed this morning, red that some journalists wannabes' main concern wasn't his health but who had sold more books. S

She was also red with shame, red that she had let the kids come here, that instead of watching their backs and Castle's, she was sleeping, red that she had let all this happen.

Red with anger. Red with shame.

"It's amazing isn't it?" the man cheered, looking up at her from his chair with his eyes wide open, "I'm so happy that man is alive! His books were truly GLORIOUS! And I can't believe my footage is on television! I thought I was hallucinating at first, but it was him, right over there, with those kids! God I can't believe the amount of money I just sold that video, I'm going to be able to pay for that surgery after all and even some bills. When I think that I had first asked for an appointment at 11 a.m. Maybe it was fate."

Kate looked down to the man next to her. His grin disappeared from his face as soon as his eyes made contact with hers, red with unshed tears.

Red was all she could see.

She punched the man's noise with her closed fist.

_Once._

"WHAT THE HELL?!" the man screamed, stepping back and holding his noise as if it were about to fall.

_Twice._

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ While writing the first 2k of this chapter I cut my hand pretty deep by accident. So know that, aside of the emotional pain of writing this, was added physical pain. If this chapter is squeezing out your heart like it did mine, consider my injury your payback (or maybe it is the reason why I made this chapter a little more painful, it depends how you look at the situation).

Moreover, I was on tumblr the other day (how surprising!) and stumbled upon a quote on my dash. I decided to put it here, since it deals with a theme of chapter 2 that I will deepen more in chapter 6 (?):

"_When you live in the dark for so long, you begin to love it. And it loves you back, and isn't that the point? You think, the face turns to the shadows, and just as well. It accepts, it heals, it allows. But it also devours." (Raymond Carver, Late Fragment)_

I'm looking forward to your reviews.

See you in another life brother the next chapter and have a nice day (or night if you read fanfiction at 1 a.m. like me).


	5. Crossfire

**CHAPTER 5: CROSSFIRE**

Two cops in the hospital emerged from behind her and kept her from hitting the stranger once more. She let herself being dragged away from the man, her legs walking wherever they were leading her. She walked pass Castle's room, which door had been closed during the whole fight, and the cops sat her down in a room at the opposite end of the hallway. After a few minutes of calls, the stranger (whose name was Frank Burr she overheard) had filed a complaint. One of the cops took out his cuffs to put them around her wrists but the other one stopped him, whispering "from the house" as he did so. They walked out of the hospital for the precinct and when the elevator's door were about to close, she looked back and saw Martha, calling out for her. The door closed.

The friction the bandages created against the raw skin of her knuckles was unpleasant, yet, she kept opening and closing her fists over and over again. At least they hadn't put her in a cell.

Her chair was next to the break room's door and whenever a cop would walk passed her and open it, she could smell the hot coffee from the room.

She had been weak she realized now, had reacted on an impulse. But she didn't regret it either, not entirely anyway. The part where Martha saw her and the one that will come up once she will see the rest of her family that she will regret.

What disturbed Kate most was that resorting to violence was not who she was. She had changed a lot in the last five years, that what life does, as well as having twins, quitting the precinct and loss. She became a great mother, a great teacher she believed. She had tried to be the best version of herself to honor Castle and for her kids, fought to keep her walls down.

This violence was the one of her old self, the one who joined the NYPD because of her mother's murder and shielded herself from the world brick by brick.

Her worse self, was resurfacing building thicker and taller walls than before while her was her new self, destroyed it as it came together. What happened at the hospital was the result of this battle where she hadn't chose which side to pick.

"Hey." Ryan's voice was quiet as he put a chair next to her "Martha called saying you got arrested for punching a guy? Twice?" he waited for her to nod and then continued "Esposito is talking with the guy, trying to get him to drop the charges."

They stayed there in silence. The minutes passed, the clock was ticking and the coffee smell from the break room was the only source of serenity. Her head resting against the wall she took it in, images of her precinct flashing in front of her eyes and the memories of those thousands cups Castle had brought to her emerged. She smiled remembering the numerous times their fingers had brushed as he had handed her the hot coffee and the chills she would always have from the contact until her lips reached the cup. She missed coffee, his coffee.

"You know… I can't imagine what it's like for you obviously but, if it were me? If it were Jenny and Sarah Grace on that television? I would have punched the guy a third time." She opened her eyes and looked at him. From a stranger's point of view, Ryan would look quite handsome, elegant with a casual look, but not to hers: the messy hair, leather jacket instead of his three piece suit, he had gone out of his house in a rush. But he wasn't reprimanding her, on the contrary.

"You're not going to lecture me?" Her voice was hoarse from the unuse of the past couple of hours.

"Why? " He paused, keeping his arms crossed in front of him and looking up to the ceiling, exactly as she was a few seconds ago "I get why you did it."

"Why?" She inquired. As he was about to answer, Esposito joined them. Her second ex partner entered with a cheerful "Yo" and told them that the charges had been dropped, thanks to his charming ways (and that the stranger being a fan of Castle had been a way to convince him easily).

"You feelin' better?" he addressed her, pointing at her hand. But they both knew the question wasn't about her hands burning under the bandages. Kate nodded, not entirely certain she really was fine.

* * *

The guys gave her a ride home so she could join Martha and Alexis who had taken care of getting Castle out of the hospital. They used this time to ask about Castle's state but she hadn't much to tell them unfortunately.

"And you have no idea how that happened to him?" Esposito asked after Kate told him about his body state.

"None. Obviously he didn't do this to himself which means that someone else was involved, kept him all these years and let him go now. But why after everything…" After what exactly she wondered. After _who_ did _what_ and _why_?

Ryan who had stayed silent so far spoke "I don't get it. That day, we found a burned body in his car. He really was dead, all the tests we made we did again, several times. If Esposito hadn't talk to Lanie, she would probably be checking everything until now. Lab reports, dental records, everything was a match for him."

"So it means that someone tempered with the evidence. Someone, somewhere in the precinct or the lab, or both, knows the truth." Esposito finished.

"We need to reopen the case. Look at everyone who worked on it, conduct interrogations before they know Castle's come back. Starting with -"

"No Kate." Ryan interrupted. "_We_, Esposito and I, will look into this. You can't be involved in the case, you're too close."

"Like hell I will Ryan! It's Castle we're talking about!" Kate snapped, she might not be a cop anymore, but this was the only way to get answer, and she won't pass on that. "I'll help, I have to know what happened to him."

"She's right Ryan. She can consult with us. No one knows Castle better than her. It's our best chance to find out who's behind this." Esposito's support of her decision wasn't approved by Ryan, that much was clear.

"This isn't a good idea guys. At all. And I'm saying this on the record." He said after letting out a long sign indicating he was giving up.

"Please Ryan, it's the only way for me to help him. There's nothing else I can do."

They stayed silent, each one of them deep in their thoughts, Esposito occasionally yelling at some careless drivers.

"We don't know who but..." It came out hesitant from Ryan, "Did Castle had anything on him that could help us know where he has been?"

"Not much really. Junk food, not much of it, pens, an empty water bottle... And the book..."

"Writer boy had a book on him?" Esposito chuckled, hitting his index on the wheel while waiting for people to cross the road.

"My book..." Both turned around to look at her on the backseat, Kate swallowed hard "A good part of the last pages were covered in blood." Car horns from behind them made Esposito jumped and focus back on the road.

"How did he get it?" Ryan asked.

"I have no idea. He just knocked at my door and handed it to me."

"And the blood, you think it's his?"

"No idea... He... He hasn't said a word. I - I don't - I don't know..." Ryan turned around and laid down his hand on her knee, giving her a comforting smile. "We're almost at your place, we'll get that book and have it run some test. If it's his, we will know, if not, we might have some new answers."

"Don't worry Beckett" Esposito looked at her through the mirror, "It'll take time but we'll get them. Just gotta be patient."

Kate felt lucky to have them, supporting her. They were not family by blood, but they were by heart, since their very first case. They've always been there for each other, and she was glad it hadn't changed after she left the 12th.

When the three of them walked into the loft, they were greeted by two little beings. Several "yo" and "bro" were said around the room. Kate scanned quickly her surroundings, the twins were high fiving the guys, Martha and Alexis were on the couch looking at her. She gave the two women an apologizing smile which only the young woman returned. Martha spoke out as Kate noticed Castle's absence, informing her that he was resting in the bedroom.

Kate needed to have a talk with Martha, to apologize for letting her and the others down, or try to explain herself. She gave the book to the guys and they left, proposing to Kate to drop by the precinct to review all the evidence. The kids went back to their room, giving a quick kiss to their mother, Kate guessed Martha or Alexis had told them where she had been, which would explain the lack of questioning.

"Grams told them you went to the precinct, to talk with the guys about everything." Alexis said after the two kids were out if the room. Kate sat down on the armchair "Thank you", the shy smile in the corner of her mouth adding "and sorry you had to lie".

"Don't worry about it Kate". Alexis' hand reached for hers and Kate squeezed the woman's hand, that's when she noticed the ring on her finger.

"I'm happy for you Alexis, you deserve this."

Alexis blushed slightly and look down to her hand, as if she didn't know what to do with it. She cleared her throat. "Hum.. I talked with Martha about something but I wanted to run it by you too. Now that dad's back, I was thinking maybe I could move back here? Not permanently but-"

"But you've missed him" Kate finished. "Of course, Alexis." She paused and looked at Martha. She had played poker with her several times over the years, but her poker face had never been this good. She turned her head to Alexis, whose smile covered her entire face.

"I guess that's not what Dan had imagined for the nights following his proposal." Kate joked, remembering how she and Castle barely left their beds the days following the proposal.

"No, it's not. But coming here was his idea actually." Alexis was lucky to have someone who knew her and what she needed. Of course Alexis could handle a lot of things on her own, she was smart, strong and could get herself out of any problem. But having someone next to her to propose help, Kate knew how important that was and she was glad Alexis had found it.

"Thank you Kate" the young woman added before to head upstairs. Even if she would have her own room upstairs, Kate knew her kids will probably propose her to move her bed to their bedroom for a real sleepover.

"I'm so sorry Martha. I don't know why I... I just saw him… And the kids and I lost it... I..."

"I understand better than you imagine Kate. I've been there."

Martha had been a big public figure when she had her son, Kate knew, and even if the media were different at that time, they were still there. Kate had forgotten this until now. "He is going to need us, Katherine."

"I know but -"

"There is no 'but'. It's your book he showed up with, he is going to need you."

"He has amnesia Martha! You're his mother, Alexis is his daughter but me? For the six years we've spent together, I pushed him away during four of them. He doesn't know his two other kids and that we were about to get married."

"You can't know that for sure, he still hasn't said anything."

"But I do. I do know because of the book and the notes he left on it. The question marks, the confused question written all over the latest readable pages of the book."

"But he loved you, for longer than you might think. That's not gone."

Kate buried her face in her hand, elbows on her knees. The loft was quite aside of the few laughs from upstairs, barely audible, breaking the silence.

"I'll help him Martha, of course, but there is not much I can do." Kate expected an answer from Martha but she stayed silent. Kate chuckled, realizing the woman was using the same technique she herself used when she interrogated suspect, using the silence so that the suspect keeps talking, until tricking himself. Today Kate was the suspect and she knew what she was guilty for: this morning, five years ago.

"I'll find who did this to him." Kate let her tears fall "I will." the silent cry became sobs and Martha took her in her arms, soothing her.

In Kate's hair she whispered "If that's the only thing you can do..."

* * *

Kate knocked on the bedroom's door and opened the door slowly. She heard water falling from the tap in the bathroom.

The room was dark, curtain closed letting only a little light from the late afternoon in the room. Kate's eyes fell on her bed, done this morning, one of the corner slightly deranged because someone sat on it, because _he_ had sat on it. It had been his bed first, then theirs and for the last five years hers. A too big and too cold bed to sleep in for five years, aside for the nights when the twins slept next to her. Now it was their bed again and it terrified her. Not because she didn't want it but because she didn't know if that's what he wanted, if he remembered all this being theirs in the first place.

Was it that easy? Just lay there next to him until sleep comes? The thing is she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. She would want her last image of the day to be his eyes. She won't sleep on the bed tonight, because she knew that her reflection won't be in them.

She considered knocking on the bathroom's door and asking him if everything was okay but remembered he couldn't reply anyway. As she was about to turn around and leave the room, Kate saw a puddle of water coming out underneath the door.

"Castle?" she called out, hearing only the water falling. Kate approached the door and knocked again, called out for him and asked if he felt alright but he didn't answer. Kate took a deep breath and opened the door. The lights were off and she instinctively reached for the light switch. Her eyes scanned the room from the right side, where the sink was. The water was falling from the sink to the floor. She followed the water's trail and she saw him on the floor, his back against the bathtub and hands on the floor.

"Castle, are you okay?!" Kate bent down and reached for his face. Mere minutes ago, she was thinking about avoiding his eyes, but now that's the thing she wanted to see. She didn't know what she expected, had act on impulse, but when each her hands touched each side of his face and pulled it up to force eye contact, the eyes she met freaked her out. She stayed stoic, unable to move or talk, and kept starring. He was not okay. Not because he had just hurt himself but because he simply wasn't. A tear escaped her eye; nothing from the Castle she knew was in his eyes. The joy, tenderness, dedication and love, none of it was there. She had been so scared to see his hatred for her in his eyes that she had tried to avoid him. But what she was seeing right now was much worse.

"Rick..." It came out as a whisper; more tears had fallen on her cheeks. How could she have believed she could fix the situation? At this moment she doubted she could make him feel better, but she will try her best, she owed him. She stood up, cut the sink and wiped off her tears. Looking up to the mirror she noticed her tears were gone but replaced with a small trail of red. Blood.

She looked down to her palm, and a small drop of blood was spread out on it. Her bandages being clean it couldn't be hers, she looked back to him and noticed his cheeks, freshly shaved.

"You lost the hand of it." Kate told him, smiling, noticing the several small cut he had on his cheeks and neck. She cleaned the cuts with a towel gently on his cheeks and neck. That's when she noticed that he had removed his shirt. Her mouth and eyes opened at the sight. She knew about the scars and burns, had seen a few on his arms, but it's the first time she saw his entire chest. The stabbing scar on his shoulder she had barely glimpsed when he was in his hospital gown was now completely visible. He also had lost a lot of weight, which had been hidden with the large clothe he had worn since he came back.

He was looking at her and she tried not to stare, not to let a word out of her mouth, compose herself, but this was a lot. She looked up to his eyes and that's when she understood: it was the first time he had seen his body as well.

She helped him up and sat him on the chair next to the bed. His pants were wet and he was putting water everywhere but at least he wasn't on the floor anymore. She dried him with a towel gently as much as she could.

"I'm going to get you some fresh clothes and then you should lie down, get some rest."

Most of his clothes, and things in general, had been put in boxes and moved to her old apartment, where Alexis had moved. But Kate had kept some of her favorites, oddly, most of them were fandom shirts (including the nebula 9 he had bought to surprise her). She took one at random, some pants and gave it to him.

"I'm sorry Castle." she still hadn't told him she thought "For this..." Kate continued, but "this" didn't come close to what she was sorry for "I'm sorry for everything."

Holding his gaze was too hard, too painful, she wasn't sure he had understood what she meant by the way his eyebrows were frowned.

"Martha and Alexis are here if you need anything." Kate turned around, about to leave, when he caught her hand, keeping her from leaving. His soaked bandages making contact with her dry ones, their fingers intertwined like it had been so many times before. His hand was gentle; his thumb had caressed her skin softly as he had caught it. She couldn't help but look down. She could feel her blood pumping faster in her veins at the contact going from her fingers to her tiptoe, she could feel him everywhere.

At this moment, she decided on which side of the wall to stand.

"I'll find out what happened. Who did this to you. I promise." She squeezed hiw hand slightly. "I'll ask Martha to change your bandages." Kate removed her hand from his and left, closing the door behind her. She rested her back and head against it and let out the breath she had been holding.

The feeling of his hand enveloping hers, his thumb against her skin and hers against his was not as she remembers, not exactly.

It was different and new.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ I keep apologizing for the long delay in these AN but, I am truly sorry. I am not going to give up on that story, don't worry. What a dark story but it'll get better soon-_ish_.

Thank you for all the favs/follow/reviews since the last update. It brings a smile to my face every time I get an email notification. Please review some more, I like smiling at my phone like an idiot.

Until next time then I guess!

_Please review._


	6. 13 Hours, 6 Days and 3 Weeks Later

**CHAPTER 6: THIRTEEN HOURS, SIX DAYS AND THREE WEEKS LATER**

_Thirteen Hours _

Kate pressed the elevator button, her muscles still numb from the night spent on the couch, discouraging her from taking the stairs. She hadn't slept, her mind refusing to turn off and instead planning her next course of action. She barely registered the new elevator's walls as she walked in, more preoccupied by the already half empty and cold dark coffee in her hand.

There was much to do indeed. If she wanted to keep her promise and find who was responsible for taking him away from his family she would need to be 100% focused.

Her first step was the old case files she kept in a box at her old apartment. After she moved to Castle's she couldn't bring herself to let go of the place, since she was too attached to everything that happened there. When Alexis talked about moving out Kate suggested the apartment to her, the perfect way to both let go of it but not entirely.

Arriving on the second floor, Kate took out her keys and got in. The last time she had been there was last Christmas. Before that, she had tried her best to avoid the place. Just like it did last Christmas, being there was bringing back memories, even more now without the huge Christmas tree and decorations. As she scanned the living room and noticed one by one the changes Alexis had made, she heard footsteps behind her and an acute voice singing in French. She turned around and saw Dan, earphones on, wearing only his boxers and holding a hairbrush as if it was a microphone. Walking towards the fridge, he did not see Kate standing in the middle of the living room. She called out for him but he did not notice her and kept singing. He picked up a bottle of orange juice and turned around as he drank it. He jumped when he saw her and struggled to swallow the rest of the juice he had in his mouth.

"Kate?" he spitted out after removing his earphones "What are you doing here?"

She could see how embarrassed he was, half naked, orange juice and hairbrush in his hands with his earphones dangling between his fingers.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you. Alexis didn't tell me that you lived together."

"Oh no, we don't," he replied, putting down everything he held on the counter before continuing

"I mean, do I spend most of my days and nights here? Yes. Do I have some of my stuff in the apartment? I do. But we've never really talked about it like officially." He paused and looked at the floor thoughtful. It lasted a few seconds before he remembered his lack of clothing and excused himself.

"Could we agree to never, ever, talk about what just happened and tell no one?" he came back wearing a pair of jeans and a black shirt "Coffee?"

"No thanks, I just had one." He nodded and headed for the coffee machine as she decided to sit on one of the chair at the counter "So if you live but also don't really live here, what are you doing here?"

"Well, Alexis stayed with you last night and didn't bring any of her things so I thought I'd bring her some clothes and such." he paused and took a sip, his face winced and Kate smiled knowing she made the right decision by declining his offer "Which explains the hairbrush."

"I thought we were supposed to never talk about it?"

"I was testing you." He turned around and dumped the coffee in the sink, murmuring something to himself "So what brings you here?"

"I left a few boxes over here, I'd need them back."

"Her father's case file?" she frowned before he continued "Don't worry I didn't look or anything. Alexis just told me what they were when I saw them."

Kate remembered too well how Alexis ended up taking all her notes on Castle's case.

For two and a half year she buried herself in the case and went over all the notes and reports she had. And when the twins got around, she would use her sleepless nights to work on the case or try to find a new lead. She denied the evidences. It couldn't have been a car accident, she wouldn't accept it. A couple of times she thought she had leads, but they died rather rapidly.

She kept on going this way for more than two years until Alexis put a stop to it. The young woman just had moved to Kate's old apartment, but before leaving definitely she took the two evidence boxes with her without telling Kate. The talk that followed was one Kate wished she wouldn't remember. Alexis had used harsh words, true words, to make her react and accept the situation. Kate remembered all too well the redhead screaming "Dad's dead!" with tears pouring out of her eyes "You've been denying this for too long and I can't just let you do this, not anymore. You have my brother and sister upstairs and I know that seeing you like this hurts them as much as it does me. We must move on, for them, for ourselves. Isn't that what Dad would want us to do?"

Eventually, Kate did, for her and her family. But now that he had come back, she could not help but feel she had let him down by doing so. Maybe if she had investigated a little more she would have found a proof, a little something to keep her on the right track. If only she had kept looking.

In her thoughts, she hadn't notice Dan leaving and now coming back with two boxes, now yellowed by time, marked "Dad".

He left as quickly as he came; Kate took the boxes and left, heading to her second step: the precinct.

* * *

_Six Days_

"Shit!" Kate yelled as she hung up the phone. All eyes turned to her over Ryan's desk before going back to whatever they were looking before. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, the calm slowly taking over her body.

"Hey Kate," she opened her eyes to see who was addressing her "care to join me outside, I need some fresh air."

Detective Samantha Hollis had been the one taking over the precinct when she left. For a good month, the boys kept begging for her to return, finding the new methods and managing style hard to adapt to. But she knew they respected her decision and it was only their special way to thank her for working with them all these years.

Outside the building the detective took out a pack of cigarettes.

"I didn't know you smoke."

"Usually cops deal with work with dark humor; I use that and a smoke."

Kate had only talked to the detective a couple of time before this week, but when she started working with her she understood what Esposito and Ryan meant with "a detective out of a television show". Hollis' methods were quite unorthodox and at the limit of the law, in other words opposite of Kate's method. Surprisingly, the women became fast friends, even with their divergence of opinion on several matters. As much as Sam tried to appear as if she didn't care, she wasn't fooling anyone, and Kate could see how much of a listening ear she was with her colleagues or victims.

"So what did the boys say to get you all pissed off?"

"They got to Row's place but she wasn't there."

"Well that's a downer." She casually replied.

"A downer? We lost the last lead, the only lead, we had. And by the way, I'm not pissed."

"Keep telling yourself that," she paused to smoke her cigarette before continuing "Look, CSU might find some clues as to where she is now and if she's involved in your writer's disappearance."

"Because the blood isn't proof enough?" Kate snapped.

"Because, we still have no idea how the blood got there." she stated, her voice much lower than Kate's.

Esposito's car appeared on the corner of the street; Sam tossed her cigarette as he parked in front of them. He went to the trunk and took out and evidence bag before joining them.

"Yo Beckett." He paused and looked at Sam, an awkward second passed before he nodded to Sam and let out a flat "Detective" to her, which she returned the same way. His eyes went back to Kate and then his boss before he continued "So um… I'm just back from Row's apartment, she wasn't there but right after Ryan hang up with you, CSU started looking around and they found this." He handed the plastic bag to her, Kate noticed the two detectives' hands touching a little longer than necessary to hand the evidence.

"I came right when CSU bagged it, I thought you'd wanna see this boss."

The woman's mouth opened wide at the surprise of what was in the bag.

"What is it?" Kate asked. But none of them answered her. She almost repeated her question but Sam talked.

"Take this, go upstairs and gather the rest of the team in front of the murder boards. I got a quick call to make to the captain but I'll be there in five."

Esposito left and Sam took out her phone.

"You believe in coincidences Kate?"

Confused by what had just happened and the unexpected question Kate only nodded.

"Me neither."

"I don't understand."

"Go upstairs."

Esposito had brought closer a second empty murder board near Hollis' desk. All the detectives had brought their chair and sat in front of them, waiting for her. The only one missing was Ryan, still at the crime scene.

"Hey Beckett!" Esposito called out "you got a chair right over here."

She walked towards the all too familiar chair, Castle's chair. During the few times Kate had visited the precinct after her resignation she had noticed the chair, still at its place. She had even visited once with the twins, who in an hour managed to draw on it with a corrector once she had told them it was their father's. For the week she's been there, Kate still hadn't asked why it was still there.

She sat and looked at the evidence bag on her old desk. Hollis walked in, putting her phone in her pocket. She walked to her desk, threw her jacket on her chair and took the evidence bag.

"Let's make a quick recap for those who weren't there from the beginning." Kate thought Hollis was referring to her until she continued on a humorous tone "and didn't send postcards to his palls". All the detectives turned towards a man in the back, mid-thirties, tall, blond haired and with tan's mark on his arm. The man raised his hand and pointed to his wedding ring. A short round of applause and cheerful congratulations later, they all turned back to their boss. She gave a small nod in direction of the man in the back and went back to the case. "Two and a half hours ago, a SWAT team, along with detective Esposito and Ryan, were ringing at Jessica Row's door. We suspect her to have kidnapped and tortured Mr. Richard Castle for over five years."

As she talked, the detective pointed to each element on the board, from a photo of the woman taken 10 years ago to the one of her building, the blood stained book and finally Castle's photograph.

"No luck, she wasn't home. First impressions are that she hasn't been for a very long while." she stopped to write "lived where?" beneath the suspect's photo, "CSU got there and started to sweep for any kind of evidence or clues as to where she could be or what she has done. And they found something."

She turned to the second board, ready to point at something when she stopped and noticed it was blank.

"For dramatic effect." Esposito whispered when she turned to him. She rolled her eyes and continued.

"CSU found a list," She showed the plastic bag to the other officers. The ink was beginning to fade and the side of paper showed it had been snatched from a notebook. "9 names of men and women and we know 4 of them." Hollis turned the murder board and it reviled the complete opposite of the empty side. Gasping sounds escaped from some detectives' mouths. Displayed on the board were photographs of 3 men and 1 woman, their names and the details of who they were: age, profession, domicile and more. Above all these elements were written in black capital letter "GRAVESTONE".

"This killer has been silent for over 6 months now. No need to remind you how big this case is and how important this new lead is. We have to go over everything we know from the beginning. With the knowledge that it is linked to Mr. Castle kidnapping and that she could be our serial killer. " The detective assigned each member of her team to specific tasks, from talking to the families again to go over video surveillances or do research on the 5 unknown people on the list.

Every men and women stood up from their chair and started working; the room was quiet aside of the noise of the key strokes from all the detectives and the phone calls. Hollis sat at her desk and started to work on her computer.

"You assigned everyone a task except yourself." Kate commented, trying to lift the weight of the silent precinct off her shoulders.

"And you." She replied, focused on her computer she finished typing and continued, "I'm writing a request for priority analysis and more staff."

"Don't you need the captain's approbation for that?"

"Who do you think I called earlier?" she replied, pressing the enter button as she turned to Kate "Look, we're not giving up on your guy if that's what you are worrying about. Solving this murder means understanding what happened to him, and there's more chance to do that than the opposite because honestly, we used up the last clue we had."

Kate felt uncomfortable and shifted slightly on her chair.

"Your words, not mine."

"I wasn't questioning your ability to do your job, you know." Kate mumbled.

"I know. You just don't understand what is happening." Hollis stated, her voice blank without any sign of offense to Kate's line of inquiry. She took out a thick folder from a drawer and gave it to Kate, the same black letters were written on the first page.

"Gravestone?" she asked to Hollis who was putting on her coat.

"You'll understand." She promptly answered and left, taking the evidence bag with the list and a few documents with her.

Kate opened the file and observed the picture of the first crime scene. The victim's body had been mutilated; her face unrecognizable and her arms, back and legs showed several stab marks. Her throat had also been sliced opened, which she guessed to be the cause of death. On a secondary picture a close up of the victim's chest showed words carved on it. Kate took a look at the photos of the three other victims, all were killed the same way. Kate's stomach knotted, the oldest murder was from 2 years ago. She thought about the families who still lived without any answer or justice. She shook her body slightly, hoping the feeling would leave and read the carvings on all the victims.

He is dead / You believe / He is alive / I believe.

She said out loud:

"I understand."

* * *

_Three Weeks_

Kate entered the key in the lock and turned it, the slight click of the door was the only sound she heard aside of the one from the distant traffic. She walked in the dark living room, dropping her keys on a table and her coat on the couch where she sat. It was around 1 a.m. and everyone was sleeping. Three weeks passed, and she still had no answer. All leads had been explored but had ended up in dead ends. Kate was frustrated, going home late at night without answers to give.

She let herself to her new night routine, walking over to the bedroom and let her hand on the doorknob, only to walk away and grab something to eat in the fridge.

A soft "hey" from behind her broke the night's silence. Alexis was going down the stairs in her pajamas. Her face and features showed she had been awake for quite some time now. Kate proposed her if she wanted something to drink from the fridge but she declined. Kate took a look into the fridge. A pink box had a note stuck on it with her name, she took it and read:

"_We made chocolate cake with Martha. Don't worry I made most of it"._ Kate let out a little chuckle as she noticed that grandma had been stroked off and someone else had wrote Martha on top of it. She kept reading: _"Ps: Lona didn't help."_ Kate took a fork and sat down in the nearest chair, smiling at the smiley at the bottom of the note.

"We need to talk about dad." Kate's smiles faded away as she looked up to the young woman now sitting in front of her.

"Still nothing but I keep trying."

"No, you're not."

"I don't understand." Kate answered the confusion clear in her voice.

"Of course you don't. How could you understand if you're never here?" Alexis paused and exhaled loudly in frustration. "Grams thinks you need time to handle all of this but I'm tired."

Kate knew all too well what she was referring to: the long hours at the precinct, going out early in the morning or coming home late. Kate had been keeping herself busy since they got him out of the hospital only not to have any answers.

"I thought it wouldn't be like before, that you'll see past everything. And that's part of the reason why I let you have the old boxes. But it doesn't help Dad."

"But Martha said-" Kate stammered out

"That he is fine?! See what I'm saying?! You're barely here to see what _being fine_ means. Yes sure, he is healthier, eats regularly again but-" Alexis paused and swallowed hard, her eyes wet by her anger, frustration and other feelings Kate had troubled identifying, "He is not fine. He- he barely leaves his room and when he does it's only because I've dragged him out. He just stays in a corner and looks around, looks at the kids or Grams… me." She wiped out the tears that were about to fall with the back of her hand.

"Alexis I-"

"He came back for you Kate." Alexis left and walked straight up to her room.

Kate was alone in the room, the once appetizing chocolate cake in front of her untouched. The reassuring silence became heavy. She blocked out all her thoughts rushing inside her head. Kate had been wrong, her step daughter hadn't been angry because of her lack of answer, but by the fact that she was avoiding Castle. She had hoped it would go unnoticed, leaving home early and coming back late helped a lot, sometimes Hollis or the guys would tell her to go back home, to "see her family" as they put it, but she wouldn't. She would rather stay at a starbucks or buy unnecessary items and clothes. But eventually, there had been a few days where she had had to go home. As Alexis said, he was in his room most of the time, which made it easier to avoid him but a couple of times he had been there, in a corner of the living room, sitting on the couch. She avoided him, tried not to linger her eyes on him even if she could feel his eyes on her back, she would head straight for the office and correct some student copies (she had to go back to her regular job a week ago) or go to the kids room and clean up. Alexis was mad at her for being scared.

As if on cue, Alexis appeared with a pair of jeans and a shirt on, her backpack hanging from one of her shoulders.

"Where are you going?" Kate asked, biting her lower lip.

"I got an important meeting tomorrow afternoon and if I stay here I won't sleep." Kate's mouth opened to answer but nothing came out. "Me or Dan will get the kids to school tomorrow."

The young woman closed the door softly behind her, not returning once towards Kate standing in the middle of the room, holding a fork in her hand.

Their relationship had been so hard to build up, it had almost been smashed down once because of the case and now it was happening again.

But Alexis was right, she could see it now, clear as day. For the past month, she hid behind her wall, which had successfully built itself up again. She hid because she had been afraid, because the man who knocked at her door, holding her book in his hands, wasn't the Richard Castle she had known. This one was different and she didn't know anything about him, nothing that could assure her that there would be a chance for him not to hate her.

After all, she had given up on him.

And that was it, this guilt, overwhelming, keeping her for sleeping at night or living her breathless as it did now. This guilt of letting him down had drowned her. If she could move, she would try to swim back to the surface, try to work everything out, but she was too far gone.

They were too far gone.

A loud sound made her jump and she dropped the fork next to her feet. Suddenly she was moving, fast. She ran towards the origin of the sound, opened a door, then another. Only one left, her hand made contact with the cold doorknob and she froze. It was the bedroom, Castle's bedroom.

Her mind went in defense mode at the realization, taking a step back and removing the hand about to endanger her. The loft was silent again, aside of the New York's traffic which lived day and night with always the same enthusiasm. It could have been nothing. She could have imagined it given the panic state she had been less than a minute ago. She could walk away from the door as she did when she came home. She could, it's what she has been doing for most of her life.

She could, but she won't.

The best time of her life had been away from that tall, cold and sharp wall. Castle hadn't broken only a part of the wall, to build a door or a window. He had destroyed it, every inch. She had seen life 360° thanks to him. She missed it, she had loved it, every single moment. And yet, here she was, trapped again. No crack or hole to escape, just four wall keeping her in. And this time she had to kick it down, once and for all, all on her own. She didn't expect to see anything particular beyond it, she just wished for something hopeful. She opened the door, the light click reasoning in the loft as loudly as a thousand bricks falling down.

She whispered his name softly, half expecting an answer, but she heard nothing. The room was dark and made it difficult to see, he was not on his bed, which didn't seem to have been touched at all. She heard quiet whimpers towards her left and turned her head. A not so big silhouette was in the corner of the room, crouched down. She turned the switch but the light didn't came on.

"Rick, are you okay?" she approached him slowly. He didn't move, his head hidden in his arms and his legs that he had brought closer to him.

She called again for him unsuccessfully, so she reached for him, letting her hand fall on his forearm. He froze at her touch and looked up to her.

"Hey." She could feel him starting to relax under her touch. She tried to turn on the bedside lamp next to him but it didn't work either.

"What happened?" she asked, more to herself than him, but he turned his face to the floor, next to her. A lighter was on the floor near a candle.

"You want some light, that's all?" Kate took the two items on the floor and lit up the lighter. Castle panicked and shoved it off her hands, the flame faded away as the lighter flew under the bed. He hid his head in his arms and started shaking violently. Kate cursed herself for remembering only now that fire had bad effects of him.

"Castle it's gonna be okay, calm down." She tried to hold him steady with her hands but he wasn't calming, "It's me, Rick. It's Kate, look. Look up." And he did, she still couldn't see him though but she heard his breathing slowing down, his muscles relaxing.

"I'm here." She whispered to him "Listen I- I'm sorry."

As she just had destroyed her wall by walking in the room, a second wall was in front of her: his. Except that he hadn't just scratched the surface as she did. He had made progress, like his daughter had said, but he couldn't go further more, not alone.

"Not just for now, but for not being here since you came back. I was afraid that," she felt his eyes on her, studying her. She wondered if he could see her or not, the room was completely dark and she could barely see where he was sit.

"I was afraid that you-"the words didn't come out. Apparently her wall had left a few bricks on the way. But now was not about her. "The important thing is, you can't be afraid your whole life, you gotta fight for yourself. You taught me that." Kate bent to retrieve the lighter under the bed, luckily he hadn't gone too far away.

"I know how comfortable the dark can be, how reassuring it is." She opened his palm and gave it to him "But pain, anger and frustration, all these bad things, you deserve better. I know that because you are here with me right now. You can see the fire or you can see beyond it but know that your daughter, Martha," Kate paused her heart was pounding faster and faster at every words she said "Me and _our_ kids, we'll be here. Every step of the way." She made a fist of his hand and held the candle in front of him.

"We'll give you a hand."

None of them moved for a good minute. She feared she hadn't succeeded, that she had taken too much time to help him. And as she began to do so, he moved and tried to lit up the candle. He tried a second time but still nothing.

"Try again, I haven't used this for years." as soon as the words left her mouth the fire appeared. He almost dropped the lighter again but didn't. She was staring at his hands, now visible thanks to the light. He moved them towards the candle, which lit up at the contact of the flame. Kate felt intense pride, not only was she proud of herself for finally realizing what was wrong (with a lot of help) but mostly of him for taking this scary step. When she looked up to him he couldn't look away from the candle. A giant smile began to spread across his face, much similar to Lona's one. The smile was contagious.

After a few seconds, he took the candle in his hand and stood up. Kate followed him as he walked to the living room, looking around him as if the little candle could make him see the whole big room.

He suddenly stopped, not far away from the stairs and picked up something. He handed her the fork she had let down earlier on her way to his room. His eyes left the candle and locked with hers. His smile was still there, a different smile but just as big.

"Thank you." Lost in his blue eyes she thought her mind had imagined his voice, until he kept going "For being there. For saving me."

She broke down and hugged him, her tears were of relief that here were hope to find.

He put his arms tighter against her and blew the candle. He had found a much bigger one next to him.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ I apologize from the bottom of my heart for this four months hiatus. I was absolutely blocked for a month and then uni happened. To apologize, this chapter is 1k longer.

I have 2 weeks of exams coming up so I don't know how fast I will be able to upload again. Hopefully not four months because I really love this story and it was hard being away from it.

I also went back and corrected a few typos me and my beta had missed in the previous chapters.

If you are on a computer, you might have noticed that I changed the story cover (I tried to make that castle style cover book, a lot of tears happened trying to do this, and not only because I'm not good at photoshop).

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'm looking forward to your reviews or questions if any, they motivate and inspire me a lot.

I hope you are enjoying the holidays and for those who celebrate: Merry Christmas!


	7. The Words and Promises We Couldn't Keep

**CHAPTER 7: THE WORDS AND PROMISES WE COULDN'T KEEP**

Her name was barely audible through the wall. She first thought the lack of sleep was making her hear voices, just like a few hours ago. She got up from the couch she had tried to sleep in and made her way to the bedroom. She found him sleeping on his bed, completely covered by the blanket she had put on him a couple of hours ago. His fingers moving on the mattress as he was saying her name in his sleep. Kate went back to the couch and closed her eyes.

She woke up early not to go to the precinct and dive in the first random file she would desperately look for clues in, but to catch her kids before they head off to school. Since Alexis had for habit to drive them to school on Fridays she also hoped that the young woman would come by early so she could have a chat with her, or better yet, so she could talk to her father.

Deep in her thoughts, she didn't hear the once heavy but now light footsteps approaching the table. She almost dropped the frying pan she was using when Castle addressed her a shy hello. She answered back quietly, his voice reasoning in her ears as an old echo would.

"Pancakes are for you too." She casually stated, pointing towards the two piles of pancakes she had already made. He started eating and she kept cooking the last batch.

"Thank you." he said after a few minutes.

She had turned around to bring the last plate on the table but his words had fixed her feet flat on the floor. It sounded so casual that it threw her off. Heat ran through her body, her brain bringing back the memories of the countless, and yet so few, breakfasts they had shared together on this very table, in their bed or even in his office when he would stay up all night to write.

Everything about him had changed since then, except for his voice, still grounded, warm, humorous and familiar. There was a time, not so long ago she thought she was forgetting it. She would watch old videos they had recorded and it would come back, until she thought she had forgotten again. Hearing him talk now made her realize that she had never forgot it. Better yet, or worse maybe, she always had it in the back of her head. It only missed its life, its intensity. The tiny detail that would make her turn around knowing it is him. The tiny detail proving he was alive.

Kate looked at the clock on the wall before calling out for the kids to come downstairs to eat. They had taken the bad habit to play in their room in the mornings and eat breakfast in the car. She waited a few seconds but none of them came down.

"Kids get down before your dad eats all the pancakes I've made!"

She heard the sound of their footsteps walking fast toward the stairs. "Slow down." Kate said when she saw one foot on the highest step. The twins barely did, one screaming enthusiastically "Pancakes" and the other "Dad". They both headed straight for their mother, hugged her and then walked towards their dad and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"Why are you eating with us this morning? You're not here usually." Alex asked as he sat down.

"Who are you asking? Me or your father?" Kate answered handing each of her kids a plate. Alex thought, frowning more than necessary before putting on a slight pouty face

"Both I think." He finally answered. She never wanted to make them think she didn't care about them or didn't want to spend time with them. Kate stopped her trail of thoughts, she was done reminiscing her errors and so she apologized for not being here for the past few weeks and promised it will change starting today.

"Why do you think we're eating with you?" she asked her son. He looked at her with round eyes and didn't answer. "Because I-

\- wanted to." Castle finished with her. Both turned towards the other in surprise while the kids let out a short gasp. The twins looked at each other and shared a knowing look.

"Pancake power." they murmured, their mouth still forming a small 'o'.

"What?" both Kate and Rick said turning to their kids. The pair once again let out a gasp but this time much more exaggerated. They answered with a brief "nothing" before the bell rang.

"Remember you said next time." Alex said helding up his arms towards his mother.

"I remember." Kate took her son in her arms and walked towards the door. She let him look through the peephole.

"It's the other Alex mom! Put me down please." he screamed enthusiastically. Kate opened the door for him.

"Hi Alexis, follow me!" he took his big sister's hand and brought her to the table where Lona had just finished her pancakes. "Look!" he told his big sister, pointing towards his father standing up, one of his hand leaning on his chair.

"Hi Dad." Alexis said letting out a small sight, "You're here, eating with everyone? That's… great" she mused out loud when she saw her father eating at the breakfast table for the first time in weeks.

"I followed you home." he whispered with his eyes wet. Kate could see he was struggling to keep his tears inside, "You took the bus so I just took the bus too."

They both broke down in tears when Alexis fell in her father's arms. Kate watched from a distance as Alexis tried to talk to her father but only mumbles came out of her mouth. Castle stroke her hair slowly and nodded to her words. Alex who had been watching the scene next to his mother joined them for a group hug whereas Lona walked to her mother.

"Mom, surely we can't go to school and interrupt such a beautiful family reunion." Kate rolled her eyes, she was expecting this to come out of Alex's mouth not Lona's. Kate phone rang to signal her that someone had texted her. She took the phone out of her pocket.

"Well honey, you are going to school and even better, my classes got cancelled so I'll drive you."

Lona frowned and joined the group hug, which was becoming more of a tickling hug thanks to Alex. When Alexis looked towards her Kate smiled at her and for a moment it seemed like everything will be okay again.

Alexis let a kiss on her father's cheek and broke the embrace. She then took Kate's hand and brought her in the office to talk.

"I'm sorry I was harsh on you last night I was frustr-"

"Don't be sorry Alexis," she interrupted, "I needed this talk so I should be thanking you."

"I have a job interview later so I was thinking I could drive the twins to school this morning and Daniel will bring them later."

"Well actually my classes got cancelled today, construction hazard in the building, so why don't I drive them and you spend a little more time with your father before you head off to this job interview?"

"That's really nice Kate, thank you for everything." Alexis answered, "I mean it, he is back thanks to you."

"Well he did say he followed you home so thank you too."

"Did he-" Alexis hesitated, her mouth opening and closing several times without saying anything, "Did he say anything about what happened to him?"

"No, he didn't." Kate smiled to the young woman whose happiness in her eyes had just been replaced with worry.

"Not yet anyway. He only started talking last night and it's your father we're talking about. He'll be back on his feet making jokes soon enough." Kate finished, taking her step daughter's hand in hers "He'll be fine."

Alexis put her arms around her and squeezed. Kate froze, surprised by the hug but then returned the gesture.

"What is this job interview about anyway?" Kate asked as they broke the hug and walked towards the living room.

"That's a surprise."

* * *

Kate and the kids left the apartment to go the car parked across the street. While the kids were in an intense debate about which activities they could do with their father Kate was thoughtful. She wondered what will come next now that the mutism was gone. Did it meant that his memories are back as well? Did he remember his life before the accident? She walked on autopilot and let the kids into the car when a hand rested on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" a man's voiced asked. She jumped and turned around to see who was addressing her.

"Daniel?! You scared me. What are you doing here?"

"I came with Alexis but I stayed here to make some calls. What are you doing here? I thought Alexis was going to drive the twins to school."

"I proposed to drive them and let Alexis spend some time with her father. He started talking again."

"That's great news!" the young man exclaimed, "Why don't you stay with them and I drive the twins to school then? It's on my way to work."

"Thank you but I need to do some grocery shopping afterwards anyway."

"As you wish. Last thing, take a look at these guys behind that green car over there." He murmured with a slight head gesture, making the effort to be discreet useless. Kate turned around and saw two men looking at their cameras with frowny eyes.

"Stay with the kids a second, I'll be back" Kate said. Not waiting for Dan's answer she walked toward the two photographs. Their eyes still focused on their camera they didn't see her approach.

"Everybody else was smart enough to let this go a month ago except for you two."

The two men looked up with their eyes wild open and hid the camera behind their backs.

"Listen fellas, you delete the pics you took right now or you'll regret it." Kate said. One of the men didn't wait a second and did as he was told. The other one shrugged his shoulders.

"What are you gonna do?" he replied in a superior voice.

"Me? I'll call my friends and complain about the man who made my morning go from great to shit. You know, the last time person who did that to me got a lot parking ticket all of the sudden."

"Is that a threat? You can't do that."

Kate let out a slight chuckle and pointed to the car's hood with the key she had in her hand since she walked out of the building. She pressed it hard against the car's metal hoping it would make a dent.

"Given the gear in the back of this car I'm guessing it's yours, or your smart friend's over here." The man thought he was being impassive but Kate's observation skills were still sharp and she could see his jaw clenching, she continued "Yeah it's your car. So here how it: unless this car is a pedestrian this isn't exactly a parking spot. So I'm gonna call my friends and tell them where they can find your car. This is not just a threat, I'm going to do it unless you delete the photographs."

"You can't! I'll call the police!" the man blurted out.

"I can give you the number of a dozen of agents if you want. Thought maybe not. It's a bad idea, it's their personal number you see and they don't like it when I talk about work."

The man let out a frustrated sight and started tapping on his camera.

"Great!" Kate said, removing her car key from the car too fast letting a small dent on the hood. "Oops." She murmured, putting both her hands on her mouth just like her kids would do when they were exaggerating.

"Oh come on! I've deleted everything! Leave me in peace!" the man screamed.

"Oh I'm leaving, but if I see any picture of my family anywhere I'll be back" she said as she turned around and walked towards her car to drive her kids to school.

* * *

The drive to the grocery store had been longer than planned. When she got back, and happily saw no paparazzi waiting, she expected to find Castle alone in the apartment. Instead she found him watching something on the television and Dan, who apparently didn't go to his restaurant to work. He left in a hurry once he saw Kate enter, letting her know that Alexis had asked him to stay until she arrived and that he was running late for work.

Castle didn't turn around and as she let the grocery bags in the kitchen she saw that he was watching the recording of the last twins' birthday. She sat down on the couch, letting some space between them and watched in silence.

"January 6th." He said to himself quietly, not taking his eyes off the television.

"Sorry?" she asked. His voice has been so low it seemed he was more talking to himself than her.

"January 6th 2016. It's their birthday right?"

Kate let out a confused "yes". It never occurred to her that he didn't know their birthday. Of course she had introduce them but she was realizing that he had now almost 5 years of his kids' life to catch up on, and that the first thing he did once he was able to communicate was trying to fill that void.

"If you want to know anything you can ask me." She informed him. He nodded slightly and kept watching the television. Since he was staying silent she decided to empty to grocery bags in the kitchen. She then recovered a photo album in his office to show him pictures of the twins she had taken since their birth. They started at the end of the book with a couple of pictures taken in the kids' bedroom on a random afternoon. One of the photo showed the bedroom transformed as a huge blanket fort with the two little kids inside smiling at the camera. The second was a closer shot of them in the fort, still smiling. They went through the book slowly and at each photo Kate tried her best to remember the events of that day. The last photograph they looked at was taken the first time Kate hold both of the twins in her arms.

"When I woke up that morning, there was blood on the bed. I just screamed your mother's name as loud as I could. I could feel my vocal cords burning against each other." Kate composed herself for a second, breathing slowly as the memory just threw her back to that day. Castle laid a hand on her knee and she froze instantly. She stared at the hand just resting there and wondered whether or not he had even noticed what he had just done. She was almost tempted to reach for it with her own, seeking the comfort it could bring. When she looked up too him he was staring at his hand too, his mouth and his eyes slightly open. They stayed silent for a moment, each not daring to move or speak. When he looked up to her and their eyes met his hand left her knee abruptly, as if it had been in direct contact with fire or electricity.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice low and his blue eyes staring deep inside hers. It was odd looking back at him, very much alive in front of her. Seeing her own reflection through his eyes. She knew he wanted her to continue to talk but she found herself needing a minute to just look into his eyes. It wasn't to look for what he might be thinking right off this moment or to know how he felt about her. Nor it was about the guilt she thought she saw weeks back was there or the love she hoped was still there. She just wanted to look at him, the way his pupils moved when the window's curtain hid and then let in the light in the room. Her focused moved from his eyes to his face. It was thinner than the last time she saw him on their wedding day. His wrinkles also started to show and the new scar on the left side of his upper lip cut his mouth in two. His slight scruff revealing a few grey hair at the sunlight. All his physical attributes, apart his eyes she thought, had radically changed.

She felt her heart pound harder in her chest. She wanted to describe him every little moment of that day, every fact there was to say, and every detail as insignificant as it could be. But the facts were going over her head and she was overwhelmed by emotions. Suddenly she felt five year of held back tears and laughter rush through her. Every little feeling she forbid herself to acknowledge out of fear or guilt. She bit her lip as she felt a tear starting to fall at the corner of her eyes.

"The doctor had told me that the pregnancy was risky for the three of us, especially me. She said there was a possibility I wouldn't make it… as she put it, and when I saw the blood I thought it was it. The only thing I was focused on since that day was to stay alive until the babies were safe. I didn't- I didn't care whether I'd die or not though. The hope the pregnancy had first brought just turned into sorrow every day. I had this depression and if your mother and Alexis hadn't been there during the pregnancy… When January 6th arrived I was hopeless, tired both emotionally and physically. During the whole ride to the hospital I kept telling your mom to take care of them because I believed I wouldn't. I even thought it would be better because if the depression hit me so hard then what could it be once the twins would be here."

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, his tears falling one by one as Kate's were. She breathed in and out for a minute before continuing.

"We worked on a case once. A psychic had been murdered and her daughter told me something. She had said that in some future date I will meet someone name Alexander and he will save my life. For a long time I thought she was talking about you. But then Alex was born and he cried. He was crying so hard, harder than I ever remember crying. When they put him in my arms I'm not sure why but I didn't want to give up anymore. I wanted to make it, I wanted to see him and his sister grow, I even wanted to keep up the searches for you. I think he gave me that hope back. He saved me by reminding me that I wasn't alone in this, by reminding me that we are all in pain ever since we're born but that it gets better because we're here for each other. Thanks to Martha, Alexis and the doctor's help since the beginning of the pregnancy I started to make it out and feel better. And somehow the kids didn't suffer as much as I thought they would because of me. "

"I am so sorry." He said after she had stopped talking.

"None of this is your fault."

"Not that. Not _just_ that." He reached for her hands and backed away just before he touched her. He shook his hand the way someone would before holding something they know is about to hurt them. She thought she would be reassured when he'll touch her deliberately for the first time on his own but she felt panic at the contact of his skin.

"I've read the book you wrote about us. I know you loved me because I've read it. I know we lived together and almost died together because I've read your book. I know I loved you because I've read your book. Since I've been back every time I look at you I have this ache in my chest and I can't figure out if it's there because something is right or wrong. I-"

"I don't understand, what could be wrong if you remember us."

"That's the thing. I know because of the book, the photographs and the videos. But I don't remember. . My heart, my muscle they have these memories, these reflexes but I can't remember my side of your book in my head. I can't remember and yet I know because I feel it."

He brought her hand to his chest and rested it on the same place she had her scar.

"I'm so sorry because I don't remember falling in love with you but I know I did. I don't remember our lives together but I know we lived it. I'm sorry I don't remember being in love with you even though my heart tells me that I should be."

His tears fell on her hand one after the other. He was still holding it over his chest and his fingers were doing the same mimic it did in his sleep.

"I'm so sorry."

* * *

_AN: I did want to write a happy chapter but somehow it didn't happen._


End file.
